There are some arguments in a marriage that seem to come up over and over again: money, kids, sex, and of course, housework. These arguments need not be deal breakers or ruin a marriage, but I think it's fair to say that every single one of my married girlfriends has argued about one of these things at some point in their relationship.
One of the things that A.P. and I seem to argue about the most is housework. I'll admit that sometimes we don't fight fair, but most of the time it seems like less of an argument and more of a competition. He argues he does more around the house (dishes, trash, making the bed, etc.) and I argue that a lot of what I do isn't always visible or given credit (e.g. paying the bills, grocery shopping, making meals, etc.).
Before we were married, I used to fight to the death in these arguments. I would scream and shout for recognition. I still do that sometimes when I feel like I'm not getting any credit whatsoever, but lately I try to remember to argue that we both contribute in different ways. I'm certainly not perfect and I imagine A.P. would chuckle if he was reading this right now since to him I am 80% anger machine, but really, I do try to remember that he does a lot, even if I don't always give him credit.
Recently, though, I was telling my friend about these arguments and how sometimes I get so frustrated because I feel like there's never an end and nobody wins, so they just gnaw away at me and annoy me more than anything. She started to tell me how she had recently read an article saying that the reality is that most couples nowadays contribute pretty equally even though they each argue they do more. I told A.P. this and he didn't believe me. So I went hunting on the place where you can find anything: the internet. But all I could find was this article from the not terribly credible Daily Mail. So in order to find a more reliable source, I did some more research and ended up finding another article, which says that husbands create seven more hours of work for wives a week, but women save men an hour of housework a week.
Wow. Two totally different portraits. And I can buy into both, too. But, seriously. The reality? Who the hell cares? What a dumb argument to waste time over, right? And yet A.P. and I get sucked into it. I've tried so many times to understand why we do. Oh well, at least now I have science on my side. : )
Do you and your significant other compete over who does more?
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Well I wouldn't know. But maybe it's ok to have one usual subject of disagreement and if so, I guess household isn't the worse there could be.
ReplyDeleteyeah, we've had this argument. two things worked really fabulously for us- writing a list of all the things that happen around the house and then dividing it up. (i do the bills, you carry the trash sort of thing)
ReplyDeleteand then we started to put into practice the habit of thanking one another. silly-basic, i know. but now that i THANK josh every time he washes the dishes or changes the baby, i force myself to recognize how much he does, and he gets to feel appreciated. it's really cut down on how often we have this fight. really really.
@Musing: I agree. I think it also depends on how you argue. I used the word argue, but I meant it in the debate/argue a point sense, not in the fight, scream, yell. Though, sometimes that is bound to happen, too.
ReplyDelete@elizabeth: That's a really good idea. I am going to try that! We are also going to walk in each other's shoes for one week. Not completely, because that is hard (you'd have to work it around bill paying and stuff), but it will at least make us see how much the other does. It's on my list for 2011, per my brother's suggestion, and I didn't think I could get A.P. to agree, but the other day he randomly suggested it and now we're going to give it a try. I'll keep you guys posted on how it goes! : )