Marriage Mondays: Complaining to the Right People

It's been ages since we had a Marriage Mondays post, eh?  I think it's high time we fixed that!

I can honestly say that whenever I see lists giving tips for a long lasting marriage, I read them with intense curiosity.  Then, I wonder if my marriage will succeed or fail based on my closeness to adhering to the list.  This is author Lydia Netzer's list of 15 Ways to Stay Married for 15 Years.  If your goal is just 15 years, this will get you at least that far.  After that, it would seem you're on your own.  : )

The best advice on here, though, is #13, which states, "Bitch to his mother, not yours."  Ms. Netzer explains, "His mother will forgive him. Yours never will."  To be honest, I'd never really thought about it that way.  A.P.'s mother passed away a few years ago, but A.P. has a step-mother who is very, very nice.  I find that when I complain to his father and step-mother, they chuckle and say, "Yup, that sounds about right!"  They get it.  When I complain to my mother, she sides with and worries about me (when she's not trying to interrupt me to talk about herself, that is).  I don't know why I never thought about this before.  But it's good advice and it's advice I'm trying to follow.

Now, when I'm frustrated with A.P., I try not to tell my family.  I will sometimes tell my friends, but I try to tell his friends or family instead.  It's an amazingly small trick that really does work!

Do you complain about your significant other to your family or friends?  Would you try this trick?

P.S. What's your number one complaint about your significant other?  Mine is procrastination with A.P.  He's the worst procrastinator EVER.

P.P.S. Check out NTPK and my other endeavor today for some other posts from my brain.  :)

(Someecard via here)

Marriage Mondays: Making New Friends

As I've gotten older, it's become harder and harder to make friends.  Finding people you get along with well enough to want to spend time with them gets more and more difficult when your time becomes more limited.  It seems like I am in fewer and fewer social situations where I can meet new people who would want to develop friendships.  Plus, if you're anything like A.P. and me, you don't necessarily want all your friends to come from the workplace since you need a break from those people.

Lately, though, A.P. and I have wished we had more friends in common or even couples to hang out with.  I have a lot of friends of my own, but A.P. only has a few.  Some of those few have moved away and he rarely hangs out with the ones still living locally.  And my friends that he really likes and would spend time with live out of state.  Which means that we basically have zero friends in common and zero couples to hang out with.

When you are in a relationship, you sometimes bring the dwindling number of friends on yourself.  To a certain extent, I know some of the friends we've lost over the years were our own faults.  We outgrew them, they moved away and we didn't stay in touch, etc.  But lately, we've been craving finding great people to hang out with that we both get along with.

When we went to Clandestino a few weeks ago, we met a great couple who were a lot like us.  This past weekend, we had a lovely dinner with them.  It was so refreshing to find people we both get along with.  I kept joking to A.P. that this was our second date with them and that we had to be on our best behavior.  No freak flag flying!  : )  Seriously, though, that event seemed like such a rarity.  Meeting this couple was great, but such a fluke!  We were so happy to meet and make new friends, but how in the world do you replicate that?

Have you had trouble making friends as you get older?  If you're in a couple, have you had trouble making couple friends?  How do you make and keep good friends as you get older?

(Photo by deflam via Flickr)


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Marriage Mondays: The Language of Intimacy

A while back, I was reading this article about the language of a marriage and found myself thinking about  the nature of intimate relationships.  It was so interesting to read about another couple that has a secret language.  Not that I think secret languages between loved ones are unique to A.P. and me. Whenever I have been in a serious relationship, even before A.P., I had secret jokes or little Morse codes of intimacy.  For instance, my first boyfriend ever and I would give each other's hands a quick squeeze three times to say a silent "I love you." He came up with it one night after we had visiting my sister.  When we were getting a ride home, he leaned over and whispered the meaning of the hand squeezes in my ear.  And so a secret language was born.  To this day, I still remember the last time he made this gesture.  We'd been having problems and had been growing apart for months.  One night, we went on an innocuous date to the movies.  I was particularly sad about the state of our relationship and the movie we were watching, A Beautiful Mind, was making me even more sad because of its topic (I have a mentally ill brother).  He wanted to make me fell better, but we were still kind of icy and distant towards each other.  And so, when he couldn't say the words anymore, he squeezed my hand three times.

This is perhaps one of my favorite things about being in a relationship with someone.  This level of intimacy is certainly not confined to marriage either.  It's a language built between two people who have shared moments together that no one else has shared.  In six years as A.P. and I have grown in our relationship, we have developed a language, too.  Little jokes that only we understand.  Anyone else requires an explanation.

For instance, when we first started dating, A.P. didn't want to reveal how picky an eater he was and hurt my feelings about food I'd make him.  One day, I literally slaved ALL day making a dinner for him.  I made pumpkin ravioli with a vanilla scented bechamel sauce, making both the pasta and the ravioli filling from scratch.  I also made frosted buttermilk brownies with cherries and chocolate baked into them. It's important to note that the entire meal was amazing and the brownies were DELICIOUS, but A.P. is a picky eater and he was even pickier then.  He didn't like that the pasta dish was sweet and the brownies were fluffier and more cake like than regular, dense brownies.  Plus, they had frosting on them and cherries in them and, well, all of those things made A.P.'s head explode.  He couldn't really hide the pasta on his plate, but he successfully fibbed about the brownies.  I left him a container with a bunch more brownies in it in the fridge.  Then, I watched as I returned time after time to the container of brownies in the fridge.  I kept asking him if he liked them and wanted one and he'd tell me he just kept forgetting about them.  Finally, months later, he confessed he hadn't liked them.  We laugh about it now, because he could have so easily gotten away with it had he just tossed the evidence, but he really did keep forgetting.  Now, when A.P. says he likes something I've cooked or baked and I doubt his, shall we say sincerity, I will ask him if this is like the brownies.  We always laugh and he will reassure me that no, if he didn't like it, he'd tell me now.

There are so many more jokes we have, some appropriate...some not.  ; )  And we share them all the time.  They're especially handy when we're in a room of strangers.  The reality is that from the time we first started dating and making memories, we became a family and that's what happens when you become a family.  You have jokes and sayings that only you understand.  It's the nature and language of intimacy and when times are tough, it provides oh, so much comfort.

(Photo by october_zju via Flickr)

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Marriage Mondays: Don't Go Changing to Try to Please Me

Hi everyone! I apologize for my absence this month...life got the best of me and there was just no time to blog (just like in February there was no time to read). I can't promise I'll be back in full swing, but I've been itching to write this Marriage Monday post for the past couple of weeks and finally had a bit of time to do so.

Lately, I've been dying to cut my hair.  Actually, every year around this time, when the weather loses its crispness, the rain starts, and the humidity creeps in, I feel a strong urge to chop off all my hair.  My friends have actually started to make fun of me because every year I swear this will be the year I'm going to whack it all off and every year I don't.  Some of this is because I don't know how I want it cut and some of this is because I like braiding my hair and putting it up and of course I can't do that when it's short.  Plus, my hair takes FOREVER to grow back, so if I cut it, it will be short for a while.

A while back, though, I found *the* cut.  Not only that, but I decided I wanted to color it, too.  I haven't seriously colored my hair since my caramel-colored J. Lo highlights my senior year of college, for which my brother relentlessly teased me, calling me Marty from the block.  But lately, I've been itching for SOMETHING to change.  And if I can't change my circumstances - where we live, where we work, the ginormous tax bills we seem to keep getting hit with - I can at least change my hair's length and color.

So, what does this have to do with marriage?  Well, I was telling my friend a few weeks ago that I was going to whack off all my hair and she asked me the oddest question.  She said, "Does A.P. care that you're going to cut your hair off?"  It struck me as so odd.  Why in the world would A.P. care?  Or have a say?  It prompted me, though, to ask him later, would it bother him if I cut my hair?  After all, though he's seen pictures of my hair short, I've never really had it super short while I've been with him.  A.P.'s response was that of course no, he wouldn't care at all if I have my hair long or short.  Just maybe dreadlocks or mohawks aren't his thing.  : )  Fair enough, I thought.

Still this whole thing has made me wonder how many women do worry about changing their appearance in a marriage or relationship.  Are there really women who won't cut their hair or change their appearance somehow because of their husband's opinion?  I mean, I'm sure there are, but I can't quite wrap my brain around it.

So, riddle me this?  Do you consider your husband/wife's opinion before you change your appearance? Or are you like me in that it would never even occur to you?

P.S. I'll keep you updated on the haircut itself, which I'm sure will be the topic of a post at some point.

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(Vintage Ad via Retronaut)

Marriage Mondays: Tapped

Lately, I feel tapped creatively. I have not been reading. I have not been blogging like I normally do and every post I do manage to get up feels void of any personality. I have not been taking any pictures or making anything. Instead, I want to catch up on sleep and watch TV and movies. I feel like my job is sucking everything out of me these days. And I don't know what to do about it. And frankly, it's not just me. A.P. has been feeling the same way lately.

This past Friday, we went and saw the movie Wanderlust. It was hilarious and struck a bit of a chord with both of us. But mostly, we were amazed we actually got to go see a movie! And on a Friday night! Isn't that sad? We used to do things, but lately we only seem to be capable of either doing nothing, doing what's required, or cleaning the house. And frankly, that's A.P. more than me. I can't be bothered cleaning most of the time.

I keep thinking that if it were spring, maybe I'd climb out of my funk, but honestly, I don't know if that's really going to do the trick. And I don't know what to do about any of it.

Unlike some people, I really try hard to make sure my time isn't just work and home. I pursue a lot of interests and try to do things that make me happy. I play guitar, I write this blog, I take a lot of photos. I read, I see movies, and watch TV shows I enjoy. I listen to music, hang out with friends. A.P. does many of these same things, with the exception of playing the guitar and blogging. The problem is many of those things aren't making me or him much happier. And I feel like I don't have as much time for my interests, so I feel like I'm failing in that part of my life.

I'm not depressed either. I'm annoyed a lot, but not sad. I'm just tapped. I feel like I need something to revitalize my life, but I have no idea what it is. A vacation? A new focus? Spirituality? A weekend alone? A night out on the town? I surely don't know what will do the trick.

After Milwaukee, we thought about taking mini-weekend trips, but they seem like so much work. Find someone to watch the animals. Book the trip. Pay for the trip. Go on the trip. Leave on time for the trip. Etc. etc. etc. Needless to say, we haven't gone on any trips since.

We feel like we need something. Some kind of change. But until we figure out what that is, we're just...tapped.

Have you and yours ever felt tapped? How do you get out of a funk?

(Photo via Favim)

Marriage Mondays: Romance

Do you consider yourself romantic? What about your main squeeze? If I had to tell the truth, under oath, I would say that A.P. is not great at romance. But I give him lots of points for trying. He always picks great restaurants for Valentine's Day or other romantic celebrations, he always gets me sweet gifts, and he's always a loving guy. But he's never once gotten me lingerie or any other kind of sexy gift. He's not a PDA guy, so we don't do a lot of affectionate things in public (e.g. holding hands). He's a stoic guy and that's the way it is. His father is the same way, so I see where it comes from. He's just a shy, reserved guy sometimes. I always feel loved and never doubt that he loves me, but some romance would be nice. Though, by this point, it might catch me so off guard, I might just end up laughing. Things like that happen sometimes. : )

I'm better at romance, but I still could probably use some work. I think the difference is that I try harder to make things memorable, so I will make cute little things that are romantic. Like a few weeks ago, I made him a special dinner and rented some movies. I made a little menu for him and two little movie tickets...one for each movie I rented. Cheesy, I know, but kind of romantic right?

What's your idea of romance? I like feeling pampered and getting a night off all the things I normally have to do: cooking, feeding the pets, etc. I'd also love a massage, a bubble bath, and some champagne, and some candles might be nice, too.

Are you good at romance? What about your husband/wife?

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(Photo via TaiDye Original - Check it out! It's a free printable!)

Marriage Mondays: Do You Celebrate Valentine's Day?

Growing up, my mom made a big to do over all holidays. Every Valentine's Day I woke up to something: heart shaped confetti littering the area around my cereal bow or some small gift, and of course there was always a sweet Valentine. Even now that I'm all grown up, I still feel the need to make Valentine's Day just as special. Though we don't go ape crazy, A.P. and I do try to do something each year.

This year, I lost a silly bet we had and it was my responsibility to plan Valentine's Day. But just yesterday, A.P. revealed that he had secret plans for us anyway. So, instead, I'm planning after dinner events and gifts. ; )

Do you celebrate Valentine's Day? If so, what do you typically like to do?

PS. Swing by later for another Marriage Mondays post!

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(Photo via The Graphics Fairy)

Marriage Mondays: The Weight of Being Married

When I was 20 years old, a friend of my mother asked me how old I was. I responded, without even thinking, "I'm 18." It wasn't until about 10 minutes later that I realized, nope, I was 20. You should have seen the look on this woman's face when I corrected myself. After all, who in the world would forget their own age? But I've always felt younger than I am. Always. Even now, I find it hard to believe that in a month or so, I'll be 31! Madness!

But ever since I entered into a serious relationship with A.P., I've felt old. Not ancient, but older. When we got married, I felt really old. Near ancient. I still act like a young person, I think, but I feel old. There are some outfits that I look at and think, "I can't get away with that. I'm a married woman for Christ's sake!" Then there are invitations I feel the need to turn down for the same reason. There seems to be a fine line between what a married couple/person can and can't get away in my mind.

When the Half-breed Swede was in town, we went to Medieval Times. A.P. and I got carded for my drink and the woman kept saying that she was surprised that I was 30. I'm sure she was yanking my chain for a tip, but it felt nice and I decided I'd take it. I don't feel young all the time anymore. I feel old more often than not. Work constantly wears me out and our life seems to lack the sparkle and serendipity of my early to mid-20's. I used to go to concerts. I used to go to bars. I used to do a lot of fun things that I don't do anymore. Some of it is definitely my fault. I gave up trying to be hip and youthful. Some of it I blame on A.P. He's more open to doing those things now, but when I first met him, he hated all of that stuff. And so I would opt out when friends invited me to things like that. Now, because I opted out for so long, they don't really invite me.

I'm reminded of an episode of one of my favorite TV shows, Mad About You. Jamie (Helen Hunt) starts talking about how she used to wear hats and go to movies alone. In the end, she realizes she'd rather spend time with her husband, Paul (Paul Reiser), but for that one moment, I could relate. I may not have worn hats, but my fashion was much more daring. And more importantly I had places to wear those daring outfits. I'm pretty sure I'd look super sad wearing a sexy outfit on my couch.

You give up on so much when you get married and it's not the worst thing in the world. But some of the things you give up on are associated with your youth, your single-ness. It's hard not to feel old sometimes. But with age and feeling old comes so many other things I'll gladly take: being free of credit card debt, being financially stable, no more heartbreak from boyfriends who come and go, no more lonely Friday nights, and so many other things. I just wish that in the process of it all, I didn't feel so damn old sometimes!

Do you feel like marriage has "aged" you? Not physically, but mentally? Do you feel that because you're married you're too old to do certain things?

(Photo via here, Originally credited to Life Magazine)

Marriage Mondays: Single Girl Pressure vs. Married Girl Pressure

Here's something I've been thinking about for a while: the difference between being single and married. Specifically the difference in how you feel pressured to meet others' expectations. For instance, when you are single, people are dying to know when you are going to get married. They are always asking you if you're seeing someone or thinking about someone they could set you up with. It seems like all they care about is whether you will ever get married.

Until you do...then the pressure shifts. Now, it's when are you having a baby? When are you going to buy a house? When are you going to move out of the city and really settle down?

You go from not being taken seriously to being told that it's time to get serious. It doesn't make any sense either way. How anyone thinks their business is your business is beyond me, but the pressure is there nevertheless.

We don't get a lot of baby questions except from my father. Still, the expectations are there, even if they are not constant. About six months after getting married, we had someone tell us that they had a ton of baby stuff for us to use in the next couple of years. The irony was that that couple had waited almost a decade into their marriage to have kids.

Being single means people think they control your love life. Being married means people think they control your uterus...and your real estate choices. We are desperate to get out of our place and we'd love to buy a house, but we are open to a condo, too. And as I've said before, we're staying in the city. There are a lot of questions about where we'll move and how big a place we will get. Why, you ask? The secret hidden agenda is that they want to know if there will be room for a baby. Or will we move to the suburbs.

The truth is that we like our lives just the way they are. Sure, we'd settle for less work, but we like sleeping in and eating whenever and staying up late. We like it and for now, it's all we want. We're not opposed to kids, we're just not in any rush. When the time is right, we'll do what is right for us. I just get sick of the pressure to want to want kids, like, now. Right away. I'm pretty good at dealing with the questions when they hit (and they do, on average 1-2 times monthly, depending on who I talk to in that month), but it does get old. I guess the way to look at it is to just be happy someone cares enough to ask. Even if you've answered many, many times before. : )

Did you feel single girl pressure? Do you feel married girl pressure now? How do you deal with it?

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Marriage Mondays: Sometimes You Just Need a Break

Hi all! Thanks for letting me take a break from blogging. It was much needed! I also wanted to thank you all for your nice comments. I'm glad there are people who like reading this blog. I sometimes get discouraged by little things and forget that there are still lots of people who do come here all the time and read what I have to write. And that's no small feat. Thanks for caring enough to swing by. It's really flattering and I sometimes forget how lucky I am that I have you. : )

That being said, today's post is all about how sometimes you just need a break...from anything and everything. Last week, I needed a break from everything and I felt like I can never seem to take one. I can never take vacations unless it's a slow time of year at my job. And so I just pound away at life and every once in a while, I just need a break.

I sometimes dream of running away, just me and nobody else, not even A.P., and going to a cabin in the woods or a house on a beach or lake. I dream of bringing a stack of books and some fun craft projects. I dream of taking walks and photographing everything and reading and cooking good meals and being alone with only myself. My whole life I've always felt this small, strange part of myself that feels the need to run. Does everyone have this or is this just me? When I read books like The Patron Saint of Liars or The Hours (a fantastic movie, too!), I relate to those women who have to escape. Sometimes everything just seems like too much and it makes me wonder if women of every generation have felt this way. I feel like we are so overwhelmed with life these days...work, relationships, kids, etc...that I feel like we never have time for just ourselves. We never have moments to breathe and be alone.

I lived alone for so many years and I feel like I'm never alone now. It's so understated how important it is to be alone in a marriage. I love A.P., but he is here all the time. When he moved here, he was friends with his ex's friends. Then he started dating me. Now he's friends with my friends. What this means is he doesn't have a ton of friends of his own. I mean, he's not friendless, but he rarely hangs out with his friends. I never get a break. He used to travel for work and I would get some time alone once in a while, but now his trips are just day trips. I also feel like because my work schedule is so much heavier now and I work such late hours all the time that I don't get a break. I used to come home a couple of hours before A.P. and get some down time to myself. Now, I'm lucky if I'm here an hour before him. Usually, it's just about a half hour or so and most of that time I'm cleaning up Ollie's room, picking shit up, working some more or whatever other non-relaxing crap I'm doing.

Then there's work. Try as I might, I am constantly working. During the week, after hours, later, on the weekends. In so many ways, my life is ruled by work. It's simultaneously infuriating and exhausting. I am lucky if I have a whole weekend to relax. Often, I work on Sundays and though I've tried to cut back on these hours, I just can't seem to do it. I imagine a future, possibly with kids, and I wonder how that will look and how much more tired I will be, because as is, I barely function now.

And the weather and family and all that seems to pile up without end makes me...well, tired. I feel like I need to escape. As much as I'd like to run away and have a week to myself, these days I'll settle for any kind of trip. So, lately, I've been dreaming of taking vacations with A.P. Because sometimes you need a break from life, even if it's not the complete solitude you long for. Sometimes you need a vacation, even if it's only for a day. Some time away from your grueling life. If you remember, I was complaining to A.P. how we needed a vacation badly. And it's on my list for 2012 to take at least two this year.

Well, this past weekend, as a surprise for his birthday tomorrow, I took A.P. for a quick overnight getaway to Milwaukee, Wisconsin (more later!). It was nice to get away and take a break from our apartment and our pets and our routine. Not just nice, but necessary. And it made me realize how much I needed a break. Sure, I still long for a week by myself with my stack of books, but I'll settle for an overnight getaway to Milwaukee because for at least one day, it wasn't my exhausting, stressful life. I didn't deal with dog poop or cat poop or laundry piling up or cooking dinner or piles of work that I feel guilty about not doing even though I've worked 80% of my waking day. I brought work with me so I wouldn't feel guilty, but I ended up not doing any and, you know what, not feeling bad about it! And most of all, I got to hang with my best friend, which, all things considering, isn't the worst thing in the world. In fact, I'd say it's pretty damn great.

Do you dream of taking a break alone? Or just a break in general?

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Marriage Mondays: Confession

I have a confession to make...I'm at a loss for what to write here anymore. Usually it will come to me and I'll write it down. For a while, I had a surplus of post ideas, but lately, I'm at a complete loss. I have no idea what to write anymore. And it's not just on Mondays, it's every day. Each day, I am at a complete loss as to what I should write. I have to struggle to get the words on the page. I am going through a rough patch with my writing and so I'm going to be kind to myself. Instead of putting pressure on myself to get all these weekly posts done, I'm going to take a break. It's not the end of Marriage Mondays or Wedding Wednesdays or any of the other things I write here, it's just a breather to reboot and get inspired again so that I don't just write bullshit.

Lately, I've just been feeling like this is all a huge waste of time. I feel like what I do here doesn't really matter and that all the time I spend on this blog is, well, time better spent doing other things. I put a lot of time and effort into this blog and I feel like I used to do it just for me and then it became a beast of a thing and now I just don't know. I feel like I thought I could do something and maybe it's okay to admit I can't. So, I think I just want to go back to this being a whatever. A thing with mild focus and a lot of whatever I damn well feel like. I like structure, but sometimes I feel suffocated by it and I'm hoping that maybe if I let the structure go a bit, I will get back to what I first wanted to do here: write.

I hope you'll forgive me, but I also hope that you understand.

Marriage Mondays: Divorce

Wonder if that was just the mom of this Postsecret author putting her "in case" plan in writing?

Has it happened to you yet? Have you had a friend experience a divorce? 2011 marked a year of firsts...1st wedding anniversary, 1st time experiencing the loss of a pet other than a goldfish or hamster, and the 1st time we had a friend divorce. It was rather bittersweet because I never really loved my friend's wife and I certainly never felt they were well-suited for each other. On the other hand, A.P. and I really liked hanging out with them. They lived out of state, but a close enough drive that we would hang out with them a few times a year. They were one of our favorite couples to hang with! I'm happy for my friend because I think that he's happier now, but I know divorce is a mess of a thing, and that, for him, 2011 was perhaps not his best year.

Here's the thing: Divorce is a part of marriage. And it's a part I feel that should not be discussed with your partner but should also be prepared for whether you plan on divorcing or not. A.P. and I have no intentions of getting divorced...ever, if we can help it. But we have talked about divorce and what we would want for each other if we were to get divorced. For instance, A.P. always tells me that he's happy I have a career and that if we got divorced I wouldn't be helpless and my source of income wouldn't dry up. That happened to his mother. We also try to talk about how we would try to be civil to one another. It's easy to say things like that now in the hopes that we never get divorced and it's a non-issue, but the reality is that it's more likely we'll divorce than not. In reality, the hope is that we remember these things, these other vows we've taken in the event that a divorce occurs.

I also feel that as a woman, it is my responsibility to secure my financial future and take care of myself in case of a divorce. Some of the best pre-wedding reading I did was an article about financial planning that emphasized how important it is as a wife to have your own money. It is why when we got serious and later married, I insisted on keeping a personal checking and savings account (I've talked about our finances before in case you're interested). In 2011, I saved a substantial amount of money...for myself. And I continue to do so. This is not for retirement or our house or anybody else but me. This is my "in case shit" money. If I lose my job, it's how I would pay my portion of our bills. If we get a divorce, it's money A.P. and I have agreed will remain mine. Of course, that may end up being money that's used to pay a lawyer, but it's my money. I earned it and I worked hard to save it. It's rightfully mine and in total, it's less than I have contributed to our joint finances all year long.

This does no harm to my marriage but makes me feel secure in so many ways. It means that if I needed to, I could get an apartment in a pinch because I'd have the security deposit. It means that if I needed to, I could buy a plane ticket somewhere. It means I have a safety net. And that is worth more than the money I have saved.

Does all this make me cynical? Perhaps. Does it make me selfish? Well, if that seems selfish, then I guess I'm selfish. But I've seen too many people be destroyed financially after a divorce and, in the end, I'd rather be safe than sorry. Plus, I'd rather know that at some point I could remind A.P. about our conversations, our other marriage vows, the ones where we vowed to be kind in case shit happened.

Do you talk about divorce in your marriage? Or is it more of a taboo topic?

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(Photo of Postsecret via here)

Marriage Mondays: Best of 2011

Sorry this post is late today, party people. We had a slow, mega drawn out Christmas yesterday and so, had a nice, long sleep-in this morning. That will probably be my last one as I have the next two weeks off, but this week is all about the Half-breed Swede and her man. And the day after they leave, the first official day I'll have off in my two week vacation, um, yeah, I have jury freaking duty. LAME. Keep your fingers crossed, pray, do whatever you can to help me not get picked. I really, really need the vacation. I'm a wreck, people. A wreck. I need sleep. And TV. And lots of internet surfing. And more sleep. And reading. And a few movies snuck in, perhaps even in the theater. And maybe some crafting. Or photo taking (I got a ton of photography-related gifts for Christmas). I just need to not have jury duty during my vacation. That's what I don't need.

Anywho...all this week, I'll be recapping the best of 2011. There are many features that I started this year: Marriage Mondays, Wedding Wednesdays, my list for 2011. And since I'm one of those people who sits around and constantly reflects on what I've done and how I could have done it better, I figure why not be nice to myself for a change and focus on some stuff I did well. : ) So, in this last week of one of my hardest years, I'd like to pick some of the best moments of the year to reflect on. So, here are the best Marriage Monday posts of 2011.

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10. How Did You Meet?

Wherein we discuss the question of fate and I share the story of how A.P. and I met.

9. The Marriage Role Model Series

I asked a bunch of my friends what their views of marriage were, who their marriage role models are, and whether having positive marriage role models affects their own relationships/marriages. It was not an interesting view into some of my friends' relationships/marriages, but it was also an interesting conversation to have.

8. The In-laws

Do you get along with your in-laws? They influence your relationship so much and in ways you can't always foresee, but for better or worse, they're your family.

7. Rings

Do you wear your ring every day? I only wear my wedding band on a daily basis and I only wear my ring if I leave the house (i.e. work, dinners out, etc.). I'm not a big jewelry person, so wearing my ring during our engagement and now that we're married has been a tough adjustment.

6. The Marital Waistline

This is one of my favorite posts but it was also one of the hardest for me to write. My weight is always a sensitive issue and has been since I hit puberty and started gaining it quickly inexplicably. Marriage hasn't helped my waistline and I've got the pictures to prove it.

5. The Suburbs

My manifesto, if you will, on why A.P. and I will continue to live in the city and, gasp! raise our children here, too.

4. From the Get Go

This is one of my favorite posts of the year mainly because it's all about a simple belief I have about men: they should treat you well from the get go. Anyone else just isn't worth your time.

3. I Like Sex; Is Nice

Marriage changes sex, sure, but really it's life that gets more complicated and changes the equation. Not just marriage. I finally aired my grievances in this post.

2. Time Alone

I like time to myself. How does one work that into a marriage?

1. Being Married Is Tough, Yo!

And of course, the original Marriage Monday post (before they were Marriage Monday posts, that is).

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Did you have a favorite Marriage Monday post? If so, what was it? Check them all out here!

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Marriage Mondays: Combining Family Traditions

One of the things that has been hard about getting married is giving up some of the traditions I had growing up in order to either begin our own traditions or let A.P. have some of his own family traditions. It's sort of strange to think that so much of your identity can be found in the things you ritualistically do with your family and loved ones. And when you get married, you form a new family and with that family comes change.

Growing up, my family had a hearty meal and opened our presents on Christmas Eve. Even Santa came Christmas Eve! He knocked on our front door, and when I went to open the door, my gifts were waiting outside. Then, my mother who sang in the choir at our church, left to go sing in Midnight Mass. My mother sang in a fairly well-known church, whose Midnight Mass was always live telecast. When I was too little to make it through the mass, I watched on TV. We would look for my mother. Then, my siblings and I would wake up Christmas morning, open our stockings, and then get dressed up in our Sunday best for Christmas dinner, which was attended by my great-aunt and uncle each year.

A.P. had a very different experience. He didn't really do much on Christmas Eve, except put cookies and milk out for Santa. Then, Christmas morning, he and his brothers would tear into their million presents (their mom was big on Christmas and giving gifts). They would have a meal, but that's not what really sticks out to him. It was the gifts and the decorations adorning both the outside of the house and the inside that he remembers. His mother's annual Christmas parties and the giant Christmas tree in their front lawn are what stick out now.

Our own traditions are a combination of both, really. We open Christmas presents on Christmas Day, but usually we'll get together with family on Christmas Eve and open a present each. But I'm not going to lie: I still miss what I grew up doing. And I think that should we have kids, I would miss those things even more. Still, I love the things we've created together, too. I love that we decorate our tree together and that each year one of us stabs this crazy, clothespin ornament that A.P made onto the tree. It's a bizarre tradition, but it's ours. And I take pictures each year of one of us doing it right before we put on our tree topper.

I like to think about how these things will become part of the fabric of our marriage and how they all become things we look forward to doing each and every year. Then I think about how one day if we have kids, these things will become part of their holiday memories. It's weird how circular life really is. I may not love giving up some of my traditions, but I love A.P. and I love the holidays we share together and the memories we have together. I love the traditions we've created that I force him to participate in (he's a boy...let's face it, this is girl stuff). And secretly, I think he kind of does, too. After all, it's that time of year, and as we do every year, we just sent each other our wish lists. I'm looking forward to finishing set up our tree and decorating the house. And I can't wait to drink cocoa and eat Christmas cookies and get our Christmas on! Because even if it's not the Christmas I grew up with, it's a Christmas I've created and one I look forward to each and every year.

How did you react to combining family traditions? What are some of the traditions you've created together?

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(Bike Christmas Lights via here; Christmas lights in the snow via here)

Marriage Mondays: Giving Gifts

Before I begin this Marriage Monday post, there's something you should know about me. I love to give good gifts. I sort of pride myself on it. I always try to get a gift that I know someone will love, and I'm always super bummed when something doesn't work out. I try to listen to people and the things they say they want. And I always try to dazzle them with a great gift, that's also something unexpected. I would say that, for the most part, I have a good track record.

That being said, with the holidays coming up soo soon, I figured it was a good time to talk about giving gifts when you're in a relationship, particularly when you're married. Do you and your significant other exchange gifts for holidays, birthdays, and other gift-giving events? A.P. and I do, though sometimes we're a bit lazy about it. For instance, we didn't give each other a gift on our 1st wedding anniversary or our 5th year anniversary as a couple, both of which we celebrated this year. Why not? Because we didn't do it, said we were going to, and ended up not. We do that a lot.

Christmas, however, is a big blowout. We do gifts. A lot of them. And it's not necessarily about spending a ton of money either. It's really about finding gifts you know the other will love (and needs). It's about making the other person smile big. And just like me, A.P. really loves to give gifts, too. And he sort of prides himself on his gift-giving ability, too.

The reason we're so big on gifts, though, is because we feel that if we didn't give each other great gifts, we'd never get any. You see, both of our families are kind of not so great with the gift giving. A.P.'s family will either give us stuff we don't need or a gift card (which is actually awesome...when we remember to use them). My family gives weird stuff we don't really need...or sometimes like, which means it ends up being crammed into some corner never to be used. Or, too, my mother's new thing is to give us old stuff from our childhood. It cracks me up, too, because you're always supposed to act like it's so awesome to get random crap you haven't seen in 20 years (and that you now have to find space for in your own home). Anyway, we never feel like we get good stuff. We never get to smile big. I don't know that A.P. and I ever discussed intentionally doing it up big for Christmas or if it just sort of happened that way. We both have a lot of fond memories of Christmas and opening gifts and I think we just wanted to have the same types of memories in our relationship.

The first year that A.P. and I were together as a couple, I had no idea what to get him. I wanted to give him something personal and special. He studied economics and still loves all things related. At first I wanted to get him cuff links, knowing that he likes nice stuff for his dress clothes (e.g. ties, shoes, etc.). I figured that would be a nice touch to his wardrobe. I wanted one cuff link to say "supply" and the other to say "demand." As it turns out, though, A.P. doesn't wear shirts with which you can wear cuff links. He has a hard time finding French cuffed shirts in his size. So, instead I found a beautiful sterling silver whistle key chain, which had a little tag that I had engraved with those words on each side. Then, I attached two keys to the ring. They were the keys to my apartment.

That first Christmas with A.P. was so magical. I would say that was when I really realized that I loved A.P. (though we didn't say it to each other for a long time after). There's something so magical about the season and it is by far one of my most favorite times of year! But it's not just about the gift giving (though that is a lot of fun). It's also about the snow, the magic, Santa Claus, Christmas music, and memories. And most of all, it's about A.P. and the traditions that we are starting in our own little family. And I guess, big gift giving is a part of that.

Some families do kids only gifts, some do grab bags, some do no gifts at all. For instance, my brother and his wife don't exchange gifts at all. In fact, they never even celebrated Christmas until they had kids. A.P.'s father and stepmother don't do gifts or decorations or even anything fancy anymore. They stopped when their kids grew up and had their own families. We have friends who exchange one gift. And I know some people who do a handmade gift. But us, well, we'll do big gift giving as long as we can. What can I say? We love putting those big smiles on each other's faces!

So...do you exchange gifts during the holidays? Or do you have a different tradition?

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(Photo 1 via here; Photo 2 via here; Photo 3 via here)

Marriage Monday: Holidays

It's that time of the year again. The time when we decide if we will spend Christmas with my family or A.P.'s. It's not a decision I like making (or even talking about). I love A.P.'s family, but I also do not know them super well. In fact, A.P. and I did the math the other night. I've hung out with them a total of seven times. Seven times in five years! That's not a lot, but it's for good reason. For one thing, they all live in Florida. For another, they never, ever, ever come to Chicago. A.P.'s father used to be better about visiting once a year, but the last time he came here was for the wedding almost two years ago. Instead, it seems they all wait for us to make the (often expensive) trek down to Florida each year. We have to go to them or else we don't really get to see them.

I, of course, wish we could have holidays here with both families. That would be awesome. I could cook and everyone could get to know each other better. But A.P.'s family doesn't do winter, so we're often forced to choose between holiday flying or staying local. The last couple of years, we've chosen to stay local.

Obviously I know A.P.'s family better now and I feel much more myself than I did that year. Still, I loathe spending the holidays in Florida. Besides the unnatural warm weather that screams summer and not Christmas, it's just hard being away from our animals, our home, and our own Christmas traditions. But being married is all about making compromises, right? So I've had to spend a few holidays with A.P.'s family.

The thing is, I always knew I would dread the day when I was married and I would have to choose between my family and that of my husband. I always knew it would be a headache and turns out, I was right! I love A.P.'s family, but they're not my family. They don't do holidays like us and they don't come together like us. They will spend a day or so together, maybe an afternoon before or after actual Christmas. But there's no tree, no gifts, and well, the meal leaves a lot to be desired. Not easy for me at all. The worst was the first year I spent Christmas with them. We spent Christmas Eve with his one brother and Christmas day with his other brother's then in-laws. I was a stranger and all of it was a bit overwhelming. Plus, Christmas Eve was a lot of the one brother and his wife going on and on about their daughter. It was a bit much for me. There are other (more important, actually) topics of conversation I felt we could have been having but instead they just kept talking about their daughter. Needless to say, it was a long night. One that saw me taking frequent trips to the bedroom we were staying in to text my friend about how crazy I was going. Yikes!

This year, we've decided to stay in Chicago, but in the future we will, I'm sure, have to head back down south for the holidays. The whole thing makes me realize how hard being married is, though. I can't even imagine what it would be like to choose if we have kids one day. How does that work? One set of grandparents gets one less Christmas than the other? What a bummer! We have not figured out a system for alternating, but I know when we do have kids, it will become necessary. I guess we'll adapt, but it still sucks. Plus, no matter how long I'm married to A.P., his family will never be my family. We will forever be different in some fundamental ways. For now, I just enjoy the fact that I can still sneak a holiday season in with no trips to Florida. It may not be a big win, but I'll take it.

So, how do you handle holidays with the in-laws? Do you alternate? Or do you just have your own holidays?

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(Crappy Christmas by Corey Ann)

Marriage Mondays: Do You Need to Get Married?

A while back, I was googling "Not the Marrying Kind" to see what comes up (besides this blog that is). In my google analytics, I always see people landing on my blog because they search for those terms, so I was curious what else popped up in the search. I happened onto this New York Times article from 2004. I started reading it, thinking that it wouldn't be that interesting to me, but instead found myself absorbed in the story of author Cora Daniels's parents.

Cora Daniels's parents chose not to get married. They felt they never needed that piece of paper to prove their commitment to the world. But those words that the author's mother spoke to her in the end, expressing her regret at not having married says a lot about what you might feel when there's only one of you left standing. There is a reason so many have fought for the right to marry. Marriage does give you, as the partner in that relationship, a lot of rights. Most of all, though, it gets you respect. After all, you're not just some woman, you're the wife. I think perhaps, in the end, that's what Cora Daniels's mother was regretful of...not being given the respect of a wife.

The whole thing brings up an interesting question, though: Is it necessary to get married at all? When I was very young, I didn't think I would ever get married. My parents were divorced, so were those of many of my friends. My two oldest brothers never married and my sister had been divorced at such a young age. I didn't think love or marriage really lasted.

Then, when I was 21, I studied abroad in Florence. I took a Creativity Workshop with all these adults. It was kind of odd, actually. I was there with three other students from the University of Iowa and the rest of the class was filled with people 35 or older. I didn't mind as much as the other U of Iowa kids because I grew up around much older siblings and their friends. I was used to hanging out with older people. One of our assignments was to interview a fellow student and introduce them to the class the next day. I was paired with this Irish woman. We went out to dinner to interview each other and of course I asked her if she had ever been married. She hadn't, but she had been in an eleven year relationship. They had lived together, bought a home together, built a life together, all but married and had kids (neither had wanted them). To her, ending that relationship was as painful as a divorce. It made me think that maybe there was something to not getting married. Would I be okay if I built a life with someone and didn't marry? Or was marriage the end-all be-all for me?

As it turns out, marriage was important for me. It was a statement of dedication that I decided, in the end, I did need. I think I'd dated too many guys who wouldn't fully commit or something. There are a lot of different incidents that led me to my own personal beliefs, which are frankly neither here nor there. After all, I have a lot of friends who are not married and some who don't even live together, but they've been together longer than some of my now divorced friends. Marriage is not the end-all be-all for everyone. For me, it was important, but I don't think it's necessary for everyone. Like, Kim Kardashian. Maybe she didn't need to get married, you know?

So, what do you think? Do you need that little piece of paper? Or is it just a formality?

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(Photo of Clara Bow and Rex Bell holding their marriage certificate by CharmaineZoe)

Marriage Mondays: Sexywear

Do you wear lingerie? I usually wear leggings or pajama pants and a tee shirt to bed, but occasionally I glam it up a bit. Don't we all??? Here's some pretty picks to spice up your wardrobe!

1. Sexy Black Chemise

Sexy Chemise by martyj on polyvore.com

Only Hearts Caroline Chemise
$106 - shopbop.com

2. Sexy Nudes: Romper and Chemise

Nudes by martyj featuring a lace chemise

Mimi Holliday by damari
$144 - journelle.com

Elle Macpherson Intimates lace chemise
$78 - journelle.com

3. Sexy Lounging

Sexy Lounging by martyj featuring long tops

MbyM long top
€70 - welikefashion.com

Mimi Holliday by damari
£92 - harrods.com

BCBG Max Azria knee high hosiery
$28 - bcbg.com

4. Red Rawr

Red Rawr by martyj featuring chandelier earrings

Silk chemise
$88 - bloomingdales.com

Christian Louboutin leopard print pumps
£735 - net-a-porter.com

Anna Beck chandelier earrings
$315 - couturecandy.com

Which one do you like the best? My favorite is #3. That's the librarian geek in me. : ) Hope you liked today's Marriage Mondays posts! See you tomorrow!

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(Photo via here; Fashion Boards via Polyvore)

Marriage Mondays: What do you like to get sexy to?

When it comes to sex, I'm pretty simple. I've never been a girl who needed candles and romantic music and the whole shebang (pun INTENDED). I always joke with A.P. that he got so lucky, that in so very many ways, I'm super low maintenance.

If I had to choose, though, I'd want twinkle lights and the soft scent of vanilla. And maybe Wonderwall by Ryan Adams playing in the background. (That song is sexy to me. : ) )

After all, a romantic bedroom, or better yet a secret nook never hurt anyone...

What gets you in the mood? Do you like candles and romance? Or can you do without it?

Check back later for one more Marriage Mondays post! Yay!

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(Photo 1 via here; Romantic Bedroom via here; Paul and Joanne via here)

Marriage Mondays: Doing the Deed

Today, you have the treat of having a FEW Marriage Monday posts, all centered around the thing I always say we never talk about enough: sex!!

We've talked about sex a little bit before, and about dressing sexy, but today we're having some specific conversations about sex and marriage. Starting with...how long can you go without sex before it negatively impacts your relationship?

Sex plays a big role in marriage, but when it comes to long lapses between sexy times, I always think of something my friend, Mike, from grad school once told me. Mike got married without ever having slept with his wife. I remember that another classmate and I were so blown away that they had decided not to sleep together until after marriage (neither were virgins before...they basically were born again Christians and decided to wait until after they were married before sleeping with each other). I asked him what he would have done if it had turned out that they weren't sexually compatible. He told us something that I have always remembered and which has put sex into perspective in my own relationship since. He said that there is so much that constitutes a marriage and sex is a small part of it. If they would have had problems with sex, it would have been a small part of their overall marriage and not the most important part at all. I remember being amazed by the wisdom in that statement.

Now, years later, after I got married, I realized that there was something to my friend's statement. Sex is a big part of marriage, but it is most certainly not the most important thing. And there is so much more that goes into marriage besides sex. For instance, I think I'd be more sad if A.P. lost the ability to speak than the ability to have sex. I'd miss our hilarious repartee more than sex, I think. Don't get me wrong, I love sex with A.P., but I love him as a person more. He says he'd be sad if I lost the ability to walk with him more so than sex. You see? Sex is important, but not the be all, end all.

The reason I bring this up is because my sister lives in India. She moved there two years ago with her husband for her job. The stint was supposed to last through March of 2012, but they recently found out that her contract will be extended through March of 2013. Her husband has decided to move back stateside. He will live here and she will stay in India. A.P. and I were joking about how long it would be before they had sex again. Obviously, there are other issues they are facing, but honestly, the whole thing made me think about about this big question: how long can you skip on the sex before your relationship is affected?

A.P. and I have definitely gone through some dry patches, but I've always kept what my friend said in my head. It may not be great now, but it's not the most important thing. Still, we have never gone for over a year! I don't know if I could do it.

Whether it's a dry patch in your own relationship, or a temporary living situation that prevents you from physically connecting, lack of sex happens to even the best relationships. The question is, how long is too long? So, what do you think? How long could you go without sex before it would affect your relationship negatively?

Check back later for some more sexy fun!

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(Photo via here)