Marriage Mondays: Making New Friends

As I've gotten older, it's become harder and harder to make friends.  Finding people you get along with well enough to want to spend time with them gets more and more difficult when your time becomes more limited.  It seems like I am in fewer and fewer social situations where I can meet new people who would want to develop friendships.  Plus, if you're anything like A.P. and me, you don't necessarily want all your friends to come from the workplace since you need a break from those people.

Lately, though, A.P. and I have wished we had more friends in common or even couples to hang out with.  I have a lot of friends of my own, but A.P. only has a few.  Some of those few have moved away and he rarely hangs out with the ones still living locally.  And my friends that he really likes and would spend time with live out of state.  Which means that we basically have zero friends in common and zero couples to hang out with.

When you are in a relationship, you sometimes bring the dwindling number of friends on yourself.  To a certain extent, I know some of the friends we've lost over the years were our own faults.  We outgrew them, they moved away and we didn't stay in touch, etc.  But lately, we've been craving finding great people to hang out with that we both get along with.

When we went to Clandestino a few weeks ago, we met a great couple who were a lot like us.  This past weekend, we had a lovely dinner with them.  It was so refreshing to find people we both get along with.  I kept joking to A.P. that this was our second date with them and that we had to be on our best behavior.  No freak flag flying!  : )  Seriously, though, that event seemed like such a rarity.  Meeting this couple was great, but such a fluke!  We were so happy to meet and make new friends, but how in the world do you replicate that?

Have you had trouble making friends as you get older?  If you're in a couple, have you had trouble making couple friends?  How do you make and keep good friends as you get older?

(Photo by deflam via Flickr)


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Happy Singles Awareness Day! (Plus five great dates!)

Happy Valentine's Day peeps! Tonight, A.P. is taking me out to dinner at LM Restaurant in Lincoln Square. Guess I didn't give him the memo on my perfect Valentine's in time...he made the reservation weeks ago! After dinner, I have some surprises up my sleeve for him when we get back home because I've been planning for a wee while, too. ; ) Because I'm an equal opportunity Valentine's Day celebrator, here are five great date ideas for you and your significant other OR for you and your friends. Because Valentine's Day is about love...for anybody. <3

1. Dinner and a movie

The classic is never boring if you're with the right people! If you're with someone romantic, head to The Vow. Cheesy or not, it's this year's The Notebook. Minus Ryan Gosling...and the hot sex scene at his country house. If you're single, see The Vow. You'll enjoy it more with your girlfriends anyway. They won't groan in disbelief at the cheese factor. : ) Then head to dinner at your favorite spot. So many restaurants offer prix fixe menus on Valentine's Day, you can get a 3 course meal for a steal! If you're in Chicago and haven't yet made a reservation, try one of these secret spots we always seem to have good luck with ...

El Nandu in Logan Square, Hearty Boys in Lakeview (their drinks are awesome!), and this is on my list of places to check out. It doesn't take reservations, so you figure you have the same shot of getting a table as anyone else: Davonti Enoteca in University Village.

2. The MCA (or any art museum) and drinks

Good art is good art, no matter who you're with. And lucky for you, Valentine's Day falls on a Tuesday, which is The MCA's free day. Can I get a woot, woot? If you're not in Chicago or if your local art museum is closed, try an art gallery. Taking in art makes you feel smart. After all, as one of my favorite pins says, "The earth without art is just eh." Then, head to your favorite fancy hotel for drinks. After that kind of night, dinner on the couch won't feel so lame. If you're going to the MCA, you could drink nearby beforehand to make modern art interpretation even more interesting! Nothing says downtown chic to me than drinks at a fancy hotel or restaurant.

Try: The Signature Room at the 95th (they don't call it Signature for nothing!), The Bar at The Peninsula...fancy and intimate, or check out The Roof at The Wit. It's their Roof Live night, which means you also get to enjoy live music. Sweet!

3. A night at a hotel

With your girlfriends, it's a fun adult sleepover. With your significant other, it's a fun adult sleepover. Win-win. Seriously, though, with your gal pals, you could make fancy cocktails, rent movies, and order room service. With your significant other, you could get in room massages and drink champagne. Go to work in the morning and return home the next night. You'll feel like you took a little trip out of town!

4. Ice skating and hot chocolate

Listen, folks. You might question why I'd put such a cold date idea on the list, but winter is almost over and before you know it, you'll be complaining about the heat. Why not take advantage of the fact that it's not freezing cold out and enjoy ice skating. If you're in Chicago, Millenium Park is fun and The Rink at Wrigley is a novel idea, too. Hot chocolate is up to you, but of course my favorite place in Chicago is still the aptly named Hot Chocolate in Wicker Park. Homemade in front of a fireplace is always nice, too. Just so long as it has marshmallows. : )

5. Stay In, Eat Great Food, Make Fancy Drinks, and Watch Episodes of Your Favorite TV Show

This is for you if you're feeling lazy, tired, or don't want to make a big fuss. Because at the end of the day, Valentine's Day is about hanging out with the people that you love, whether you do something fun, romantic, or simple. Make it a little different from every other night, though, by going above and beyond with the dinner and drinks. Martha Stewart has several menus up and French martinis are always a good pick for today. Pop in a DVD of your favorite TV show and watch some episodes. You won't feel bad if you miss a few moments discussing your day. My picks would be Friends, Freaks and Geeks, or Mad About You.

What are you doing tonight? Anything special? Will you be hanging out with a significant other or girlfriends? Whatever you end up doing, Happy Valentine's Day!!

(Heart Socks via PetraO; Drive in Movie photo via Free People Blog; Ice Skaters via Art of Manliness; Lazy Sunday photo by David Urbanke via Flickr)

Copycat

I've been debating a lot over whether or not to post this. And when I say a lot, I'm not exaggerating. I originally wrote this post in November. That's a long time to sit on a post. The thing is, last week this situation sort of imploded. It felt...personal. More personal than before. So I debated some more, and then today, I decided to post it. Hopefully some of you can relate and will understand both my sadness at having to and strong need to finally post this entry. I tend not to talk this deeply about anyone other than A.P., but this has been weighing on me, and I've needed to get it off my chest.

Remember when I was mourning the loss of my best friend a while ago? Well, as it turns out, we're still friends. Our friendship has changed drastically, and frankly, we don't really talk that much anymore, but we are still friends. Just for some history, allow me to give you some background information.

As you know, we had a very stressful engagement. Somewhere in that time, it got really hard to do my job, mourn with A.P. over the loss of his mother, plan a wedding, and keep in touch with all of my friends. Most of my friends were extraordinarily understanding of this. She was not. She thought it was personal. It wasn't. At Thanksgiving 2009, I sent out a short email to friends and family mentioning something about A.P.'s mother and how she was in our thoughts. She wrote me back and asked who that was. I wrote her a quick email from saying that was A.P.'s mother. There were a few more short emails exchanged and then I didn't hear from her for a long time.

When it came time to make our final guest list, and send out invitations, A.P. and I sent her an email asking for her address, as well as that of her parents and brother (that's right...we were planning on inviting her WHOLE family). She didn't respond. We sent another email. Still no response. Then, almost a month later, she sent this whole, long, ridiculous email about how she didn't want to be invited unless we really wanted her there. She also told me I did a ton of stuff on purpose instead of just asking me why, or even trying to understand (like letting her know via email that I was engaged, which is how ALL of my friends found out simply because she read into something I said incorrectly). It was terrible. At the height of wedding planning, about one and a half months before the big day, I had to deal with this. It was incredibly frustrating and felt incredibly selfish on her part. Instead of a knockdown, drag out fight, I took the high road and explained that nothing was going to come from revisiting the past. I told her that I thought it was better that we try to be friends again, and that most importantly, of course I wanted her there (that's a lesson to all you brides to be, btw, when guests attack, it always pays to take the high road).

I asked her to participate in my wedding. I asked her to either give a reading OR a toast. She chose a toast. Then I invited her to my "bachelorette" party, which was only my super, super close friends (like people I've known since I was a kid only since it was the only way I could keep it small and intimate). She told me that she was busy with work and didn't think she'd be able to take time away from work. Ummm, I'm not trying to be a dick here, but she works for herself. She freelances. Her work, in essence, goes where she goes. And I know two trips to Chicago within a week of each other is a lot, but she's got money galore (more on that later). So, she did not come for my "bachelorette" party, which I thought was pretty lame (and furthered my opinion about how, really, I am not a priority in her life anymore), but whatever.

The point is, we became sort of friends again. So, she came to our wedding, spent some time with us. That is another story for another day, because getting her to spend any time with us felt like pulling nails in a way. Then about two weeks after we got back from our honeymoon, she called me to tell me that she had gotten engaged. So, something I didn't really talk about in my past post about my relationship with this girl is that there are two things that drive me crazy about her:

1. The fact that every time I do something, I feel like she does it five minutes later. The things that I wanted to do in my life, I feel like she took that stuff and did it herself. It's very, very frustrating. And I used to think it was just me that noticed this until a friend and my brother both mentioned it to me on separate occasions.
2. I hate her boyfriend, now fiance. I thought they weren't good for each other when I first met him, and then he wouldn't call her his girlfriend for the first year that they dated, and I hated him more. He's never won my respect, and I think she could do much, much better. Even their engagement story was super lame, and he put very little thought into it. He didn't buy her a ring, or ask her father's permission, which certainly isn't necessary, but it's a nice gesture. And my friend and I have the same cultural background, and in that culture, it's kind of a big deal. Plus what made me more mad was that he didn't even tell her parents despite the fact that he spent time alone with them at our wedding just a few weeks before.

So image how freaking excited I was that she A. got engaged shortly after we got married, and B. to a guy I pretty much freaking hate and think is a giant loser. So awesome!

But again, I took the high road, and again, I expressed nothing but happiness for her, figuring that while I don't agree with her decision, it just isn't my place to talk to her about this stuff anymore. I've asked her about wedding planning, and given her advice, even though she was the WORST FRIEND EVER during our engagement. In other words, I've been kind. We are not the friends we used to be, but I'm trying to accept what our friendship has become, though honestly I just don't give a rat's ass about what is happening in her life (mostly because I feel like she doesn't give a rat's ass about my life or A.P.).

But I'm reaching a breaking point. And this is why: I'm sick of being copied! In November, I got an email from her saying that she is planning on having a photo booth at her wedding like me. Now, A.P. argued that lots of people have photo booths at her wedding, and I don't disagree. The thing is, she only got this idea because we had one at our wedding. She admitted it to me in the freaking email! I know I have no right to say a word to her, but it makes my blood boil. And while it was more tolerable when we were closer, now it just seems even more frustrating and annoying. I'm also sort of terrified that we'll go to her wedding, and it will be strikingly similar to ours in a lot of ways. Actually, more than the photo booth, that worries me.

Then, this past week, something happened that felt personal. I got her save the date (she's getting married in approximately three months, so I have no idea why I'm just now getting a save the date, but...). On it was her website, which I decided to go to. I actually felt pretty calm about the whole thing. After all, I knew it was coming, and I figured she'd have a pretty cool website/invitations since that's what she does for a living. So let's call that the calm before the storm, because this next thing felt shitty. On her website is her wedding planning blog. I can't help it. I was irrationally angry when I saw it.

The thing is, she knows I do this. And when I first started blogging about wedding planning, etc., she made fun of me a little. Not meanly or anything, but you know, teasing me. She also knows how important it is to me, or at least I believe she knows that. It feels like the ultimate competition. It feels personal. It feels like she's doing something that I love to do only to compete with me. And I don't want to compete with her. I don't know. I think A.P. is probably right, that she doesn't even know she does it. In my opinion, though, that makes it worse. That it's so subconscious makes it even more sickening. That she would do such hurtful things constantly and unknowingly suggests she's pretty thoughtless, and that's not exactly comforting either.

Plus she isn't really blogging so much as she's bragging. Her parents are well off, and so she's just blowing cash left and right. She keeps blogging about how she's hired the best photographer, and they have picked the best caterer. She might have a somewhat famous designer custom-make her dress. She's registered at SEVEN places. And each registry has a ton of stuff on it. It feels out of my league, as it always does when she competes. She outdoes me because she can, and it just feels like a turn of the knife. And then it makes me feel like crap, because it makes me doubt my own beautiful wedding, which I loved. And that behavior, even though I know it's not, feels intentional somehow. It's so messed up, guys.

So here's what I've decided. I have been invited to her shower and her bachelorette party. I am politely declining both. Both require travel/hotel, and time off of work, so I figure those are good excuses. I have not been asked, as of today, to participate in her wedding in any way. As of today, I am planning on attending her wedding. I'm not looking forward to it. I don't want to hurt her the same way she hurt me while she's engaged/getting ready to be married. It was additional stress I didn't need, plus it felt selfish and hurtful. So I don't want to not go. I feel like it's what I should do, so I think I am going to go to the wedding, then quietly end the friendship. I kind of don't know what else to do. It's become too hurtful, and I really don't get anything else out of the relationship except pain and sadness.

Do any of you have a copycat friend? How did you deal with it?

PS. I keep thinking of Friends, and how Monica got mad at Rachel for stealing her thunder, and told her, "That's fine, because on the day you get engaged, I will announce my pregnancy." I should announce that I'm pregnant at her wedding! Lol...just kidding!

Oh, Lord!

So ever since Thanksgiving when I announced that we had a date, my mom has been my biggest wedding confidante. It's gotten...weird. I'm actually shocked. But that's sort of my mom. One minute, she'll tell me she never thought I was the marrying kind, and the next she'll be emailing me suggestions (which she's done...more than once, and she even found Project Wedding!) Considering that the rest of my family is getting annoying about the whole wedding (this is why I wanted a surprise wedding, people), I am actually digging that my mom is getting really involved.

But then last night happened. I sent her the place cards I want to make for the wedding. Like most older people, my mother has beautiful penmanship, and so I thought she could help out and write the names on the cards. I figured it was a harmless, little DIY project that she could help with, and that way feel involved. She was excited, and started emailing me pictures of dresses (none of which are similar to the picture I sent her of the dress I'm contemplating having made). Still, that's okay, because she's getting into it, and we're bonding over it, and it's turning out to be nice. But then when we were talking wedding crap last night, she asked me if we had figured out who was going to marry us yet. I tried like hell to blow off the question, I really did. I even think I was successful, but I still had to listen to the speech.

You see, my family is REALLY Catholic. Not my siblings and myself, just my parents, my godmother, etc. REALLY Catholic. Like, my dad's sister was a nun Catholic. And my mom goes to church every Sunday, Catholic. And my godmother goes to church more than once a week, Catholic. When my nephew got baptized a few years ago, my brother and his wife chose to have it done in a Serbian Orthodox church, since that's what she is, and my mother told me, "That's okay. The Catholic church still recognizes that." So needless to say there were a lot of questions last night as to whether or not we were going to have a priest perform the ceremony or what. I tried to get out of the conversation at first by saying, "Well, A.P.'s not Catholic." But she quickly replied, "Neither was your grandfather when he married your grandmother. Neither was your aunt when she and your uncle got married." Wow. What do you even reply to that kind of mom logic? She then asked me if A.P. would be opposed to having a priest perform the ceremony. I actually don't think he would, even though he is an atheist, but I would. I don't want a Catholic ceremony. And, what I didn't tell my mom, and what I'm not going to tell her is that we are having dinner with a friend this Thursday and asking her to perform the ceremony.

That's right. I lied to mother. If that doesn't get you sent to hell, then I really don't know what does (you know, not including things like murder). We already decided a while ago that we were going to ask a friend of mine who I've known since I was 14 to perform the ceremony. There are a lot of reasons for this decision, but the big one is that I want someone there who really knows A.P. and I, and more than any of my other friends, this friend is that person. She has hung out with just me and A.P. a ton of times in the past three and a half years. She always asks how he is doing. A couple of weeks ago, we went out with her, and she hadn't seen A.P. since his mother passed away. The first thing she did was give him a hug and tell him how sorry she was to hear about his mother passing. When I talked about getting married, she was the first person that I told, and she was so excited for us. She has helped me with so much in terms of wedding planning, and doing it all after she called off her own wedding about a year ago. She's one of my best friends, and the one who from day one made an effort to get to know A.P. and include him. I love her for that, and I know she knows both of us well enough to perform the ceremony. Plus, she lives where I live. I know there are some other friends I have who would be good for the job, too, but they don't live here and trying to coordinate that kind of thing is a big headache.

Anyway, I don't know how I'm going to break that to my mother. I'm thinking of lying my way through it. Or at least that's what I told A.P. last night. I told him that my plan right now is just to keep blowing it off when she asks about it. I'm going to keep saying, "Oh man, we haven't even talked about that." Then, the day of the wedding, I'm just going to have our friend be the officiant and not say a word. I know I'll have to answer questions, especially from my father and my godmother who are old and won't understand how that could possibly be legal, but no worries. I've got a lie for that, too. "Oh they allow people to become officers of the court now and perform wedding ceremonies. Cool, huh?" Yeah...this will work out great, right???

The Show Must Go On

Guys...I am so, so sorry that I haven't been blogging. As I've mentioned previously, it has been a crappy past few months. It feels like ever since we got engaged, bad things started happening. What a bummer! And more importantly, what a damper on wedding planning.

First there was the job, which I love, but I'm not certain I can handle (or at least I can't continue like this). A.P. keeps telling me I work investment banker hours, but sadly, I'm not an investment banker. It never seems to lighten up, and it's kind of slowly killing me. I have no life! Seriously...not only do I not blog, but I don't even read gossip anymore. WHAT THE WHAT??!!?? I have zero time for me, and that means everyone else suffers, too. My family is wondering where I've gone. My friends have barely heard from me. So much so that it's all I can do to hold out hope that they still love me enough to come to the wedding.

Then, two weeks after starting my new job, my brother landed in the hospital. My mother, who would normally attend to his health, was in Florida having a surgery. So I had to run around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to stay sane, cope at my job, and deal with a sick mother and brother.

Then, just as we finally got into the wedding planning, and were enjoying the calm after the storm, a hurricane of sorrow hit us like a ton of bricks: A.P. lost his mother. We had to attend the funeral in Florida (which also cost me near $500!), and while some wedding planning was still be done, it was mostly shelved for obvious reasons.

Now it's mid-November, we're still holding out for a March 27th wedding, and we have ZERO done. It's sad. It's pathetic. And it has us questioning if we're sane.

Can we do it? I don't know. But hopefully, now that things have FINALLY chilled a bit, I can blog and you all can help us determine if it's possible! (Or make fun of me in the comments for pretty much losing my mind...just wait until you guys see what crazy things I'm trying to get done in four months!)

Shutting Up to Stay Sane

Yesterday, I was at a friend's house rehearsing lines with her for an upcoming audition. While taking a break, we started talking about plans for the future and how A.P. and I were trying to deal with certain things (like my not having a job, and how that will affect our time frame for getting married). Anyway, I started to talk a little about wedding planning, and I immediately felt uncomfortable. Let me also say that the woman I was talking to is in her 60s, has never been married and has no kids. I was talking about how traditional wedding stuff makes me uncomfortable, and how the idea of me in a white dress, in a church, with a hundred and fifty people standing around is just not my thing. Anyway, then I mentioned that there was one white dress I've seen that I loved a lot, but for the most part, I'm not interested in the typical wedding accoutrement (that's right, people, I know fancy words!). This woman didn't really respond, except with a slight eye raise, and a smirk. And then I shut up.

So, why did I shut up? Because, I think I'm always very reluctant to talk about wedding stuff with people because only 5% of the people are truly happy for you. This is true in life, in general. The rest resent you, or judge you, or have their own ideas for you. I don't really talk about wedding planning to anyone outside of A.P. and a couple of friends, and that's mainly because, well, A. we're not doing any serious planning now, just batting around ideas, and talking about what we love, what we don't, etc., and B. I know it's not everyone's cup of tea. The more I realize I want to be married, and have a nice, albeit non-traditional type of wedding, the more I realize that the only people who really seem to be happy for me are the ones who either are awesome, supportive people (like the ones I've been talking to, and btw, these people are few and far between...I'm lucky to have 2!), fellow bride-to-bes (like the bridal bloggers), or people who are married and had to endure the same kind of judgement.

A.P. tells me all the time that I'm too sensitive a person, but it's easy for him to say that when his whole family is responding by saying, "So, when's the date? We can't wait!" and my whole family is saying, "You're getting married? Is this something you think you're ready for? Don't you feel like a sellout?" Don't get me wrong, I'm not sitting at home right now, and crying over my lack of audience, I'm just saying, perhaps, just PERHAPS, there's a reason why I'm choosing a surprise wedding.

Has anyone else had to shut up to stay sane?