Shutting Up to Stay Sane

Yesterday, I was at a friend's house rehearsing lines with her for an upcoming audition. While taking a break, we started talking about plans for the future and how A.P. and I were trying to deal with certain things (like my not having a job, and how that will affect our time frame for getting married). Anyway, I started to talk a little about wedding planning, and I immediately felt uncomfortable. Let me also say that the woman I was talking to is in her 60s, has never been married and has no kids. I was talking about how traditional wedding stuff makes me uncomfortable, and how the idea of me in a white dress, in a church, with a hundred and fifty people standing around is just not my thing. Anyway, then I mentioned that there was one white dress I've seen that I loved a lot, but for the most part, I'm not interested in the typical wedding accoutrement (that's right, people, I know fancy words!). This woman didn't really respond, except with a slight eye raise, and a smirk. And then I shut up.

So, why did I shut up? Because, I think I'm always very reluctant to talk about wedding stuff with people because only 5% of the people are truly happy for you. This is true in life, in general. The rest resent you, or judge you, or have their own ideas for you. I don't really talk about wedding planning to anyone outside of A.P. and a couple of friends, and that's mainly because, well, A. we're not doing any serious planning now, just batting around ideas, and talking about what we love, what we don't, etc., and B. I know it's not everyone's cup of tea. The more I realize I want to be married, and have a nice, albeit non-traditional type of wedding, the more I realize that the only people who really seem to be happy for me are the ones who either are awesome, supportive people (like the ones I've been talking to, and btw, these people are few and far between...I'm lucky to have 2!), fellow bride-to-bes (like the bridal bloggers), or people who are married and had to endure the same kind of judgement.

A.P. tells me all the time that I'm too sensitive a person, but it's easy for him to say that when his whole family is responding by saying, "So, when's the date? We can't wait!" and my whole family is saying, "You're getting married? Is this something you think you're ready for? Don't you feel like a sellout?" Don't get me wrong, I'm not sitting at home right now, and crying over my lack of audience, I'm just saying, perhaps, just PERHAPS, there's a reason why I'm choosing a surprise wedding.

Has anyone else had to shut up to stay sane?

Sooooo don't have the bride gene

So, Sunday was the bridal expo. Oh. My. Gosh. Why did I walk away feeling like a bad person??? Then yesterday at work, I was telling a coworker that I went to the bridal expo and he said, "You're obsessed! You're not even engaged!" Again. Make me feel like a bad person. But now, day(s) later, I've scrubbed off the negativity, and have moved on. Now for the dirty details:

First, the bridal expo. I went with a friend who got married about three years ago. She had a very traditional, formal wedding/reception. Big white dress (Vera Wang), 200+ guest list (though she does have a big family), band, bridesmaids, the whole nine yards. So maybe I didn't pick the best person to go with. I felt very uncomfortable. Our budget will be nowhere near hers, and I hate everything about that kind of a wedding. However, I didn't want to trash talk all the...well, everything, actually, because I felt bad and thought it would offend her. And that soooo wasn't the goal. I'm happy she had the wedding she wanted, but it's not the wedding for me. Our wedding is going to focus on three things: our love for each other, our family, and our close friends. Good food, too, but those three things come before everything. I don't feel I will get that in a huge, traditional, WIC-controlled wedding.

So the bridal expo...total waste of my time. Plus I had to listen to sales pitch, after sales pitch. Why do I need a DJ who wears a paging system?? I was on the fence about doing the music ourselves, but after listening to (too) many DJs try to win me over with their unnecessary technology and high costs, I think we can swing it. Plus, since we do have such "indie" (for lack of a better word) music taste, I know we'll get to listen to what we want. I saw one dress I liked (see below), and got inspired by one cake (also see below). I'm half Indian, so the cake was a nice reminder of a small way I might be able to work in my cultural background (though on most days I feel it more necessary to work in personal taste than ethnicity, but that's just me).

photo by me!

photo by me!

Then the coworker comment...that made me just as antsy as all the people at the bridal expo asking me when my wedding date was, and then looking at me like I was crazy when I said I wanted to get married in the fall/winter. I said this for a few reasons:

1. 1. Typically I would like to marry in the fall/winter.
2. 2. I wanted to get an idea of what fall/winter pricings were like and if they were any different.
3. Fuck it, I didn't know what else to say.

Not that I owe anyone an explanation, but...I know that it might seem crazy to a lot of people that I'm so involved in wedding planning already even though I'm not engaged. However, it's not as if I'm crazy and just assume in some sort of stalkerish way that A.P. and I will get married. A.P. already knows he's going to ask me to marry him (and apparently so does half of my family, all of his family and several of my friends). We've talked about marriage and getting married in extraordinary detail, and I know he will ask me some time this year (he told me this). All that being said, the one thing we know for sure is that we don't want a long engagement. Unfortunately that's not a luxury had by many in this day and age. If A.P. and I want to have a short engagement, a small amount of planning needs to be done now, so that it can be executed quickly. A.P. is aware of my planning, and though he isn't super involved right now, he does chime in and we do have conversations about this stuff often. Plus he was well aware that I was going to the expo. He got Sunday afternoon drunk whilst doing chores around the house...he loved me being gone. (It's also funny that I've posted about drinking so much, because we never drink really.)

I hate that I have to explain my dating, living my life, getting married situation to people. We don't do things the way other people do things. We live by our own rules and that's what I love about A.P., that he allows me the freedom to create our own path, our own story, and that all we consider is if we will be happy in the end...and I know deep in my hearts of hearts that we will.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
- Robert Frost

More birdies, more dancing and the name change debate

Tomorrow's post will be interesting. I'm off to the bridal expo with a friend. I expect to find nothing that will interest me. Well, nothing that looks as amazing as this place card setup from {scissor variations}, that is! I'm obsessed! They're the cutest little place cards ever...AND TOTALLY EASY TO DIY!! Yay!

Image via {scissor variations}

Okay, enough with the birdies. Back to the dancing! We had friends over last night, so we did not practice dancing. We are hoping to do a little drunken dancing tonight, but I have a lot of work to do for my class, and since I'm going to the bridal expo tomorow, I think that I will end up working most of the afternoon and evening. Sucks. Four more weeks and then I'm done!!! Forever (or until I decide to go back for my PhD)!! Graduation!! Yay!! But that also means four more weeks of doing crap on the weekends. Boo-hiss!!

So, through random clicking, I found Joanna Goddard's blog, A Cup of Jo, which featured an interesting first dance. Okay...I didn't find it interesting at all. I thought I would, but I didn't. Am I robot??? Everyone who posted comments loved it. They all thought it was so cute. I've seen choreographed dances before, and they were funny. We probably have all seen this couple (who also appeared on Ellen). Now them I liked! It was funny, unexpected, and they didn't seem so...awkward. I don't know. Maybe I've become too cynical. I don't know. You check out the videos and tell me what you think. I think they're so awkward! I do like the Single Ladies dance, though. I thought that was pretty funny. It seems like the videographer had a thing for the lady in the bluish-green dress on the right! Haha! He keeps panning over to her.

image via A Cup of Jo

Finally...Sommer's most recent post got me thinking about my own name change issues. Years ago I got into a fight with both my mother and my father (it's a wonder they're divorced) about how I'm supposed to change my name and that's what I'm supposed to do. Please note they offered no real reason. Now it doesn't matter what my parents say, because ultimately it's my life and my decision. They already dislike half of the choices I've made, so this can just be another they'll have to live with. That being said, I always thought that A.P. was okay with the fact that I was going to keep my name. After all, it's my name. It's who I am. It's who I've been for 28 years! But the other night, A.P. asked me if I would change my name after we got married, and I again told him no. We didn't have a big fight, let's say we had a big debate, but it was still frustrating. I thought he was okay with this. I mean, does anybody else think it's odd that you change your name? My current career is based on this name. I want to be a writer someday (obviously) and I want to build that career on my family's name, not his. How do you reconcile the change? It's...odd. Truth be told, I'm not entirely convinced that men would do it if the roles were reversed.

Oh well...it's a decision to be made later. For now, there's just bad dancing and pretty place cards. Until the bridal expo post, ladies...

The Bride Wore Black

Is marriage the death of love? When I told my mother that A.P. is planning on asking me to marry him this year, she responded by saying, "Well, are you excited about that? Is that something you're ready for?" Please note that her reaction was not, "That's freaking AWESOME!" Then people wonder why I don't have the bride gene.

Seriously though, I didn't grow up fantasizing about wedding planning. I don't even remember having fake weddings. So it goes to figure that I wouldn't want a "typical" wedding. That being said, I figure if I'm going to be a bride, I'm going to do it my way. That will later go for marriage, too.

Here's my list of don't want them, not interested in them, could give a shit about them:

1. Bridesmaids: Perhaps it seems totally wrong that I wouldn't want a bunch of girls surrounding me when I take my wedding vows, but I can't help it. Why would I ask my best girlfriends to buy their own dresses, focus only on me, and take pictures all day? Why would I force my best girlfriends to plan parties and showers for me and then make myself the center of attention? I want my friends to share in my celebration, but not like that. Which leads me to my next item...



2. Bachelorette Party: I gave up binge drinking in my early twenties. I'm not interested in blow job shots, sex jokes, stupidity or any of the other basically irresponsible behavior that comes with the bachelorette party. I was at a party last year and surrounded by mostly recent brides who were all talking about their bachelorette parties, when I made the comment that I will never have a bachelorette party. OH MY GOD! I was almost beheaded. I was definitely publicly shamed. Why? Because I don't want to act like an idiot? God gave me a brain. I plan on using it wisely prior to my wedding.



3. White Pouffy Dress: Seriously? As Miranda in SATC said when she got married, "The jig is up." I'm not a virgin. I might go try on white dresses for fun, but I want a one of a kind, beautiful dress. If my dress happens to be white, that's one thing, but it won't be a wedding dress from David's Bridal, that's for damn sure.



3. Bad Food: Why is it that every wedding I've ever been to has had TERRIBLE food? Honest to God, some of the worst food I've ever eaten (and I'll eat ANYTHING) has been at weddings. It's hard for me to ask my closest friends and family to come join in the celebration of my love for A.P. and then feed them horse manure. Ick.



4. Huge, ridiculous wedding guest list: I don't know 200 people I would want to talk to for hours on end, so why would I go out of my way to find a bunch just so they can worship my bride-ness? Silly. Close, intimate wedding, here I come!



5. Flower Girls, and other small children who detract from my wedding: I love kids. I nannied for a long, long time. So this doesn't mean I don't want kids at my wedding, I just don't want them to be a part of my wedding. I want them in a corner with a hired babysitter who is doing arts and crafts with them. Enough said.



I'm sure there are other don't want thems, not interested in thems, could give a shit about thems, but for now these five will have to suffice. Trust me...I'm cynical, I'll find more.