A.P. and I like to watch The Marriage Ref. Do you guys watch this show at all? It's usually good for a few laughs and we always marvel at how similar some of the arguments are to our own, which makes us laugh more. The thing is, we were watching last night and one of the things I noticed was that so many of these arguments come down to one person's dream making the other person unhappy. Inevitably, the person who was living their dream didn't want to give it up and an argument would ensue.
It's hard because in many ways, I can relate to this argument. Every once in a while, A.P. and I will talk about buying a house and I will fly into a rage. I feel like I am giving up so much by buying a home in Chicago. I never wanted to live here. I wanted to move to New York. I grew up in Chicago and I love it, but it gets old sometimes. I feel so connected to so many neighborhoods, but at the same time sick to death of them. For me, New York has always felt like the next step up. I feel like when I got married, I officially gave up that dream. I knew A.P. wasn't a big fan of living in New York. I also knew that I would want to live there for a while, not forever, and not necessarily when we have kids.
It's a complicated issue and there's no real good solution. The thing that's hard, though, is coming to terms with the fact that you give up some dreams when you get married. Some people say you give up some to make room for others (kids, home, etc.), but it's been a hard thing for me to let go.
When we were in New York the other weekend, A.P. started asking me some hard questions. He asked me if I really loved New York or just the idea. He asked me if I could, would I stay and not go home. Did I love it that much? I am not sure I had/have good answers to any of those questions. I just think sometimes you have some things that you feel you have to do, to prove something to yourself. This is one of them.
I don't know if we'll ever live in New York. I worry I'm too engaged in my current job/career right now to make a move that big. I also worry a lot about my family. I don't think now is the time to move to a different city and be away from my parents, who aren't getting younger. It would also be hard for us to be away from the support system we've created for ourselves.
The point is, for me, the thing that has always been tricky about marriage is the idea that I was giving something up. Apparently, I'm not alone. If The Marriage Ref has taught me anything, it's that it seems everyone has to compromise their dreams a little bit. In the end, you do it because you realize maybe giving up on the dream for this great person in your life isn't the worst thing in the world.
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I guess it's ok to give up on things if it's a real choice. That's something I still need to learn.
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