That being said, today's post is all about how sometimes you just need a break...from anything and everything. Last week, I needed a break from everything and I felt like I can never seem to take one. I can never take vacations unless it's a slow time of year at my job. And so I just pound away at life and every once in a while, I just need a break.
I sometimes dream of running away, just me and nobody else, not even A.P., and going to a cabin in the woods or a house on a beach or lake. I dream of bringing a stack of books and some fun craft projects. I dream of taking walks and photographing everything and reading and cooking good meals and being alone with only myself. My whole life I've always felt this small, strange part of myself that feels the need to run. Does everyone have this or is this just me? When I read books like The Patron Saint of Liars or The Hours (a fantastic movie, too!), I relate to those women who have to escape. Sometimes everything just seems like too much and it makes me wonder if women of every generation have felt this way. I feel like we are so overwhelmed with life these days...work, relationships, kids, etc...that I feel like we never have time for just ourselves. We never have moments to breathe and be alone.
I lived alone for so many years and I feel like I'm never alone now. It's so understated how important it is to be alone in a marriage. I love A.P., but he is here all the time. When he moved here, he was friends with his ex's friends. Then he started dating me. Now he's friends with my friends. What this means is he doesn't have a ton of friends of his own. I mean, he's not friendless, but he rarely hangs out with his friends. I never get a break. He used to travel for work and I would get some time alone once in a while, but now his trips are just day trips. I also feel like because my work schedule is so much heavier now and I work such late hours all the time that I don't get a break. I used to come home a couple of hours before A.P. and get some down time to myself. Now, I'm lucky if I'm here an hour before him. Usually, it's just about a half hour or so and most of that time I'm cleaning up Ollie's room, picking shit up, working some more or whatever other non-relaxing crap I'm doing.
Then there's work. Try as I might, I am constantly working. During the week, after hours, later, on the weekends. In so many ways, my life is ruled by work. It's simultaneously infuriating and exhausting. I am lucky if I have a whole weekend to relax. Often, I work on Sundays and though I've tried to cut back on these hours, I just can't seem to do it. I imagine a future, possibly with kids, and I wonder how that will look and how much more tired I will be, because as is, I barely function now.
And the weather and family and all that seems to pile up without end makes me...well, tired. I feel like I need to escape. As much as I'd like to run away and have a week to myself, these days I'll settle for any kind of trip. So, lately, I've been dreaming of taking vacations with A.P. Because sometimes you need a break from life, even if it's not the complete solitude you long for. Sometimes you need a vacation, even if it's only for a day. Some time away from your grueling life. If you remember, I was complaining to A.P. how we needed a vacation badly. And it's on my list for 2012 to take at least two this year.
Well, this past weekend, as a surprise for his birthday tomorrow, I took A.P. for a quick overnight getaway to Milwaukee, Wisconsin (more later!). It was nice to get away and take a break from our apartment and our pets and our routine. Not just nice, but necessary. And it made me realize how much I needed a break. Sure, I still long for a week by myself with my stack of books, but I'll settle for an overnight getaway to Milwaukee because for at least one day, it wasn't my exhausting, stressful life. I didn't deal with dog poop or cat poop or laundry piling up or cooking dinner or piles of work that I feel guilty about not doing even though I've worked 80% of my waking day. I brought work with me so I wouldn't feel guilty, but I ended up not doing any and, you know what, not feeling bad about it! And most of all, I got to hang with my best friend, which, all things considering, isn't the worst thing in the world. In fact, I'd say it's pretty damn great.
Do you dream of taking a break alone? Or just a break in general?
Do you subscribe to Not the Marrying Kind? If not, you should! It's free and fun and it means you automatically get new posts when the blog is updated. No having to check back! Click here for more details!