I Should've Kept Smoking and Shut My Mouth

When I finished my undergrad studies, I was madly in love with a guy named Bob. Of course his name wasn't really Bob...we all know that...but it was just as plain and he was just as boring. I was madly in love with him, and like most of the men I was madly in love with in my youth, he wasn't as much in love with me. We went on many non-dates (those are the best!)...he low fived me at the end of most of them...we never kissed or touched in any kind of sexual way, even though everyone sensed the sexual tension between us. When I graduated college, we vowed to keep in touch, and we didn't at all. But I still held out hope that something would be different. Around the same time, I revealed to my family that I smoked (I don't anymore, so go fuck yourselves for temporarily judging me). So this is the background and this is the scene:

I'm sitting on the couch after having pitifully moved back home in an attempt to save money at the risk of losing any shred of sanity I may have running through my meatloaf of a brain. I'm smoking. My mom tells me I should quit, and I respond (thinking I'm being cute and clever, forgetting that my mom doesn't really love me and so doesn't really fear hurting my feelings), "I'll tell you what: When Bob asks me to marry him, I'll quit smoking." My mom's response? Easy: "Do you really think you're the marrying kind?"

Flash forward seven years, and I still wonder the same thing. I love my boyfriend so much it hurts sometimes. (Seriously...it hurts my side, and it happens more when it rains...what is that all about?) But I wonder a lot whether I'm giving up a part of myself for a relationship. I have always been independent, and taken care of myself. The past year I moved in with my current boyfriend, Apple Pie (because his real name is as American as apple pie), and it's been the hardest transition ever. I worry marriage will be harder, or that I'll be giving up part of myself. I worry more that I'll follow in my parents' footsteps and end up divorced. I don't have the most pro-marriage family, either. I know I'm going to get married and I'm really excited about that. I know that Apple Pie (A.P. from now on) is the best man there is, and I know he's going to be the best dad ever when we have kids. He's supportive and loving and I love him and want to be with him, but I can't shake the fear that I'm giving up some part of myself.

As kids we are told we can have it all: marriage, kids, career, more money than our parents had. I sometimes wonder...am I the only one feeling like this? This blog is an attempt to take a fresh stab at relationships and love. I love a good love story, and ours is one for the books, I think, but the difference between a good love story and a great love story is relatability. I hope that this blog will provide that.


  1. Thank you. This blog is awesome. I am a child of divorced parents who always vowed to never get married...ever. My wedding is in 58 days.
    I met with the pastor who I had asked to do the wedding yesterday and she told me she didn't think my fiance and I were serious about marriage. This is after one meeting.

  2. My goodness...what would a pastor say to me. Probably something along the lines of "We can't let sinners like you into our church. It will go up in flames." Have no fear...you can vent here. : O )

  3. You were born to be a blogger! Please keep posting!!!


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