The Bride Wore Black

Is marriage the death of love? When I told my mother that A.P. is planning on asking me to marry him this year, she responded by saying, "Well, are you excited about that? Is that something you're ready for?" Please note that her reaction was not, "That's freaking AWESOME!" Then people wonder why I don't have the bride gene.

Seriously though, I didn't grow up fantasizing about wedding planning. I don't even remember having fake weddings. So it goes to figure that I wouldn't want a "typical" wedding. That being said, I figure if I'm going to be a bride, I'm going to do it my way. That will later go for marriage, too.

Here's my list of don't want them, not interested in them, could give a shit about them:

1. Bridesmaids: Perhaps it seems totally wrong that I wouldn't want a bunch of girls surrounding me when I take my wedding vows, but I can't help it. Why would I ask my best girlfriends to buy their own dresses, focus only on me, and take pictures all day? Why would I force my best girlfriends to plan parties and showers for me and then make myself the center of attention? I want my friends to share in my celebration, but not like that. Which leads me to my next item...

2. Bachelorette Party: I gave up binge drinking in my early twenties. I'm not interested in blow job shots, sex jokes, stupidity or any of the other basically irresponsible behavior that comes with the bachelorette party. I was at a party last year and surrounded by mostly recent brides who were all talking about their bachelorette parties, when I made the comment that I will never have a bachelorette party. OH MY GOD! I was almost beheaded. I was definitely publicly shamed. Why? Because I don't want to act like an idiot? God gave me a brain. I plan on using it wisely prior to my wedding.

3. White Pouffy Dress: Seriously? As Miranda in SATC said when she got married, "The jig is up." I'm not a virgin. I might go try on white dresses for fun, but I want a one of a kind, beautiful dress. If my dress happens to be white, that's one thing, but it won't be a wedding dress from David's Bridal, that's for damn sure.

3. Bad Food: Why is it that every wedding I've ever been to has had TERRIBLE food? Honest to God, some of the worst food I've ever eaten (and I'll eat ANYTHING) has been at weddings. It's hard for me to ask my closest friends and family to come join in the celebration of my love for A.P. and then feed them horse manure. Ick.

4. Huge, ridiculous wedding guest list: I don't know 200 people I would want to talk to for hours on end, so why would I go out of my way to find a bunch just so they can worship my bride-ness? Silly. Close, intimate wedding, here I come!

5. Flower Girls, and other small children who detract from my wedding: I love kids. I nannied for a long, long time. So this doesn't mean I don't want kids at my wedding, I just don't want them to be a part of my wedding. I want them in a corner with a hired babysitter who is doing arts and crafts with them. Enough said.

I'm sure there are other don't want thems, not interested in thems, could give a shit about thems, but for now these five will have to suffice. Trust me...I'm cynical, I'll find more.


  1. AMEN AMEN AMEN! Too bad I couldn't get away from the BM's or the FG's!

  2. Oh my goodness! I'd never thought of hiring a babysitter for the kids at the wedding! What a great idea! I went to a wedding this fall where kids were welcome and they had all sorts of kids activities (it was an outdoor wedding in the mountains and the couple were both elementary school teachers--LOVELY!!). They had bagged food for the kids (and asked to be given a heads up about any food allergies beforehand) that included peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, apple chips, and a cookie (not sure of the kind). They also had all sorts of games and stuff set up for them to do so they wouldn't be bored. It was great, but I think a babysitter would be even better, the parents wouldn't have to be constantly checking on them and could have a good time, the parents wouldn't have to pay for a babysitter, etc.

    Great idea!


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