The Marriage of Gossip and, well, Marriage (Photography)

Have you guys seen that Feather Love went to Spencer and Heidi's wedding? You know those attention whores from MTV's The Hills? Well, she did! I love the photos (as usual), but I love it even more when Perez Hilton pops up in them! What can I say???? I love gossip. It's my thing. Let it go.

photo via Feather Love

So, I'm so bummed...I haven't been able to dance for something like, well, since first the time. I had that cortisone shot last week, and have been in terrible pain since. Sucks. Plus, since my job requires me to stand most of the day, it's been even more painful. Then we went to a concert, and I couldn't stand standing, let alone swaying to M. Ward. Sucks. Sucks. Sucks. Who knew I would miss moving to the beat so much????

You know what would cheer me up? Yes. You know. A meat cake. Was it wrong that when I saw this post from Wedding Bee that my first thought was, "Hmmm...meat cake. I'd try that" instead of instantaneous revulsion?? Come on. You know you secretly want to try one, too!

meat cake

more meat cake

Dance Fridays!

photo by me!

So, since A.P. and I are starting a new tradition (Dance Fridays! Yeah! Get down! Boogie!!), I figured it would be a cool thing to start a new tradition for the blog, too. From now on, each week you'll get a nice posting featuring different postings from around the bridal, crafty, DIY, pretty blogosphere. Old, new, cool, not so cool...it's a nice peak around. Dance Fridays. Get into it.

I would hope that by this point, most of you are familiar with Max Wanger, but if you're not, try Sarah & Dan's wedding on for size. My favorite is the one where she's blowing a bubble and he's doing some kind of crazy breakdance move. That whole picture seems to sum up the whimsical, mundane, fun, cute, loving, boring, but not so boring nature of relationships.

This is an oldie. Victoria with Roses is a great inspiration blog. I find most of the entries to be, well, just pretty. Some of the entries might be a little too traditional for me, and little too out of my price range, but I think the pictures are daydream-worthy. I like the idea of a dress sketch. I'm big on things you could pass down to your children some day, and I definitely think this is one of those things.

image via Victoria with Roses

This is another oldie. Consider it East Side Bride's opposite version of my own five-point list.

Why did Tuesday's Wedding Bee post just make me want to find more cool blue and green stuff for my kitchen instead of find wedding stuff in those colors?

image via Wedding Bee

Pretty things alert!! New Blog (for me anyway), Unruly Things. I get engrossed in blogs like this, Oh So Beautiful Paper, Snippet & Ink, and Scissor Variations (thanks, mimi!). It makes me want to live in a vintage world surrounded by paper cutouts like this.

Or what about 100 Layer Cake blog's feature of Zola & Derick's engagement shoot? Who doesn't secretly want super stylized engagement photo shoot reminiscent of Brad & Angelina's Domestic Bliss? But, you know, less drugged out coma, more super happy getting married elation.

These Duston Todd photos featured on Rock 'n Roll Bride are a nice diversion from any real work I'm supposed to be doing, too. I love the long sleeved dress Rock 'n Roll Bride featured! So pretty.

Finally, yesterday's Wedding Bee post on the best day of your life is great. It's short, so I suggest you read it. It's a nice reminder that a wedding is just one day of many...

Dance it up!

Meet my new chin, Hank. Hank, meet the blogosphere.

Meet Hank. My mother has him.
My sister has him. Now he's made his
home on my face.

So this post isn't quite bride related...but it's definitely relationship related. So, A.P. and I have been dating for just a few months shy of 3 years, and when I met him I was the skinniest I'd ever been (and I'm not a skinny person, never have been...well, maybe when I was, like, 7). Shortly after he and I met, I started grad school. Oh. Good. Lord. I've gained something like 40 lbs. in the past three years!

Now, part of that is definitely my grad school schedule. Getting home from class at 9:30pm does not always leave a strong desire to make a healthy dinner, so I almost always ate take out or something easy and quick (read: not healthy). But the other part is most definitely A.P. I've never, ever dated anyone like him. He's one of those types. You know the type. The kind that can eat anything, and everything, and never gain a pound. His mother was the same way. She's still skinny. So this is him, for life. His diet is pretty bad, too. Constant snacking, trips to the Walgreen's for ice cream and sugary drinks (though he has, to be fair, lightened up on soda, and Vitamin Water). I beg him to eat healthier, but it's all to no avail. I wish he could really understand how much it has to do with my worrisome nature and my fear that he will have the same health issues his parents had (prostate cancer, bypass surgery, diabetes, etc.). I just wish he cared more about two things:

1. his health
2. the environment (that's a post for another day)

Alas, it's been a constant source of bickering. Well, this year I decided I was fed up with half of my ENORMOUS closet of clothes not fitting. Shopping became a nightmare. I no longer enjoy taking my picture, mainly because it's not just me in the pic anymore, it's totally me and my new chin, Hank (he takes up half the frame! Stupid Hank.). Ugh. So A.P. and I joined a gym right around the corner. He lasted for about a month. Now, he never goes. I kept going, even though it sucked going without him. Then right before my bday (beginning of March), I hurt my knee. I don't have insurance (gasp, I know...terrible, terrible, terrible), and right now even though I'm working full time (for one more week, anyway), I'm not a salaried employee, so, no benefits. So, out of fear, I stopped working out. I'm supposed to get a shot of cortisone today actually, so I'm hoping I can get my act together and get back into the gym. It's been a struggle. I lost about 15 lbs., and have gained a chunk of it back. This has been the hardest weight gain/loss ever. I hate to point fingers, because ultimately this is my fault, but A.P. doesn't always make it easy. Snacks just magically appear and bad eating habits are hard to break. I'm hoping to get my act together in the next month, though, and get back into the gym and monitor my diet again. My attitude about the weight thing is the same as it was for quitting smoking two years ago: I want it to be a distant memory, something I used to do/deal with, but no longer have to worry about. Here's hoping!

No more of these! Unless they're made
with tofu and something else that is nasty
but that we convince ourselves is good
because it's good for us. Poop. This just
makes me want a cupcake.

Sooooo don't have the bride gene

So, Sunday was the bridal expo. Oh. My. Gosh. Why did I walk away feeling like a bad person??? Then yesterday at work, I was telling a coworker that I went to the bridal expo and he said, "You're obsessed! You're not even engaged!" Again. Make me feel like a bad person. But now, day(s) later, I've scrubbed off the negativity, and have moved on. Now for the dirty details:

First, the bridal expo. I went with a friend who got married about three years ago. She had a very traditional, formal wedding/reception. Big white dress (Vera Wang), 200+ guest list (though she does have a big family), band, bridesmaids, the whole nine yards. So maybe I didn't pick the best person to go with. I felt very uncomfortable. Our budget will be nowhere near hers, and I hate everything about that kind of a wedding. However, I didn't want to trash talk all the...well, everything, actually, because I felt bad and thought it would offend her. And that soooo wasn't the goal. I'm happy she had the wedding she wanted, but it's not the wedding for me. Our wedding is going to focus on three things: our love for each other, our family, and our close friends. Good food, too, but those three things come before everything. I don't feel I will get that in a huge, traditional, WIC-controlled wedding.

So the bridal expo...total waste of my time. Plus I had to listen to sales pitch, after sales pitch. Why do I need a DJ who wears a paging system?? I was on the fence about doing the music ourselves, but after listening to (too) many DJs try to win me over with their unnecessary technology and high costs, I think we can swing it. Plus, since we do have such "indie" (for lack of a better word) music taste, I know we'll get to listen to what we want. I saw one dress I liked (see below), and got inspired by one cake (also see below). I'm half Indian, so the cake was a nice reminder of a small way I might be able to work in my cultural background (though on most days I feel it more necessary to work in personal taste than ethnicity, but that's just me).

photo by me!

photo by me!

Then the coworker comment...that made me just as antsy as all the people at the bridal expo asking me when my wedding date was, and then looking at me like I was crazy when I said I wanted to get married in the fall/winter. I said this for a few reasons:

1. 1. Typically I would like to marry in the fall/winter.
2. 2. I wanted to get an idea of what fall/winter pricings were like and if they were any different.
3. Fuck it, I didn't know what else to say.

Not that I owe anyone an explanation, but...I know that it might seem crazy to a lot of people that I'm so involved in wedding planning already even though I'm not engaged. However, it's not as if I'm crazy and just assume in some sort of stalkerish way that A.P. and I will get married. A.P. already knows he's going to ask me to marry him (and apparently so does half of my family, all of his family and several of my friends). We've talked about marriage and getting married in extraordinary detail, and I know he will ask me some time this year (he told me this). All that being said, the one thing we know for sure is that we don't want a long engagement. Unfortunately that's not a luxury had by many in this day and age. If A.P. and I want to have a short engagement, a small amount of planning needs to be done now, so that it can be executed quickly. A.P. is aware of my planning, and though he isn't super involved right now, he does chime in and we do have conversations about this stuff often. Plus he was well aware that I was going to the expo. He got Sunday afternoon drunk whilst doing chores around the house...he loved me being gone. (It's also funny that I've posted about drinking so much, because we never drink really.)

I hate that I have to explain my dating, living my life, getting married situation to people. We don't do things the way other people do things. We live by our own rules and that's what I love about A.P., that he allows me the freedom to create our own path, our own story, and that all we consider is if we will be happy in the end...and I know deep in my hearts of hearts that we will.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
- Robert Frost

More birdies, more dancing and the name change debate

Tomorrow's post will be interesting. I'm off to the bridal expo with a friend. I expect to find nothing that will interest me. Well, nothing that looks as amazing as this place card setup from {scissor variations}, that is! I'm obsessed! They're the cutest little place cards ever...AND TOTALLY EASY TO DIY!! Yay!

Image via {scissor variations}

Okay, enough with the birdies. Back to the dancing! We had friends over last night, so we did not practice dancing. We are hoping to do a little drunken dancing tonight, but I have a lot of work to do for my class, and since I'm going to the bridal expo tomorow, I think that I will end up working most of the afternoon and evening. Sucks. Four more weeks and then I'm done!!! Forever (or until I decide to go back for my PhD)!! Graduation!! Yay!! But that also means four more weeks of doing crap on the weekends. Boo-hiss!!

So, through random clicking, I found Joanna Goddard's blog, A Cup of Jo, which featured an interesting first dance. Okay...I didn't find it interesting at all. I thought I would, but I didn't. Am I robot??? Everyone who posted comments loved it. They all thought it was so cute. I've seen choreographed dances before, and they were funny. We probably have all seen this couple (who also appeared on Ellen). Now them I liked! It was funny, unexpected, and they didn't seem so...awkward. I don't know. Maybe I've become too cynical. I don't know. You check out the videos and tell me what you think. I think they're so awkward! I do like the Single Ladies dance, though. I thought that was pretty funny. It seems like the videographer had a thing for the lady in the bluish-green dress on the right! Haha! He keeps panning over to her.

image via A Cup of Jo

Finally...Sommer's most recent post got me thinking about my own name change issues. Years ago I got into a fight with both my mother and my father (it's a wonder they're divorced) about how I'm supposed to change my name and that's what I'm supposed to do. Please note they offered no real reason. Now it doesn't matter what my parents say, because ultimately it's my life and my decision. They already dislike half of the choices I've made, so this can just be another they'll have to live with. That being said, I always thought that A.P. was okay with the fact that I was going to keep my name. After all, it's my name. It's who I am. It's who I've been for 28 years! But the other night, A.P. asked me if I would change my name after we got married, and I again told him no. We didn't have a big fight, let's say we had a big debate, but it was still frustrating. I thought he was okay with this. I mean, does anybody else think it's odd that you change your name? My current career is based on this name. I want to be a writer someday (obviously) and I want to build that career on my family's name, not his. How do you reconcile the change? It's...odd. Truth be told, I'm not entirely convinced that men would do it if the roles were reversed.

Oh well...it's a decision to be made later. For now, there's just bad dancing and pretty place cards. Until the bridal expo post, ladies...

Just Once Throughout the Day

I told a coworker today that just one day out of my life, I would like to get through the day without thinking that I'm fucking retarded. This morning at work I walked all the way downstairs to make copies and completely forgot my lunch upstairs. Okay. So I go back upstairs, grab my Smart Ones (which I'm hoping will make my big ass - see photo above - a little bit smaller, and which are also not nearly as delicious as Lean Cuisines) and my banana, only to get back downstairs and realize that bananas don't go into refrigerators. Yeah...see? Fucking retarded. Then later, when it was actually time for lunch, I wandered around my desk looking through all my drawers looking for my banana, which I later realized I accidentally left downstairs after all. Geesh. Now this isn't a slam on the mentally disabled, or those with special needs, it's just a slam on my own stupidity and how sometimes my big dumb ass acts like I'm lacking brain cells.

Speaking of fucking retarded...as much as I love Vintage Glam Weddings (and I really do love them A LOT), I can't get behind her lace headband enthusiasm. To each their own, but you can pretty much guarantee that if I attended a wedding where the bride wore a headband like that, I would sit in the back and make snide (and I mean snide) remarks. Come on...does anyone really want to look like they could also do a Jane Fonda workout tape in their wedding dress? Ick. Ick. Ick.

by Dani Picoral via Casando Ideias via Vintage Glam Blog

Now here's a trend can get behind...dresses that are dainty, and beautiful, and look one of a kind. I don't tend to like expensive, super fancy dresses. I much prefer vintage, one of a kind dresses. But if you have to go the store bought, fancy route, these dresses from Green Wedding Shoes are pretty cute!

by Stephanie Williams via Green Wedding Shoes

If you live in Southern California, check out Stephanie Williams! Her photography is pretty great!

Get on Your Dancing Shoes

About a week ago it occurred to me that in my almost three years with A.P. we have never danced together. Not even once. Say what??!!?? A.P. told me a while ago that he doesn't really like to dance. Then the truth came out. It's not that he doesn't like to, it's that he doesn't know how to. So even though I have my little ipod list of songs I might want to hear at a wedding, it occurred to me the other day that unless I get proactive about this whole not knowing how to dance thing, I'm going to be dancing alone. Sure we can take lessons...but that's usually for the slow dance. How are fancy pants dancing lessons going to help A.P. learn to loosen up, and get down and boogie?? That's where I come in.

This past Friday we decided to get drunk and practice dancing in the house. Wow. How could I not know this about my boyfriend??? He's a TERRIBLE dancer!! But, because I love him, it's so TERRIBLY cute! It's also really, really odd. He's fully capable of keeping rhythm with his hands and arms, but his feet are way, way off. I tried teaching him to tap a toe to the beat and then incorporate that into some feet work, but yeah, that didn't really work. It was fun, though. Truth be told, by the end, he was actually doing a little bit better. We decided to make this a weekly ritual in hopes that by the end, he'll be dance floor ready. Or else I'll look awesome, and our guests will whisper as we dance, "Wow...she really lowered her standards in that department, huh?"

PS. What's hilarious is that after Easter dinner yesterday, we were driving my dad home, and out of nowhere, he blurts out, "Remember when you were little? Remember how much you liked to dance and we had to play those records over and over again?" (I used to jam out to "Music Box Dancer" by Frank Mills, and Pat Benetar's "We Belong." I still have both 45s!!) A.P. looked at me, and we started giggling. Then A.P. goes, "She still likes to dance." It's true. I had an awesome time on Friday.

Reader's Find: Mimi's Guest Book

This blog has readers! Seriously...somebody call the pope! A miracle has occurred! We have two new blogs in the "I'd Marry These Links" section. One is Chuckle's Blog, which is new, but awesome. I read all her posts, and she's right...her life is interesting. The other is Mimi's great blog, Not a Bride Yet (although she will be soon...what will she call it then?). Both great, both worth checking out. And please notice how you give love to me (in the non-sexual sense), and I give love to you. It's all about the bloglovin'.

Okay...now all that being said, I've been combing thrift stores, antique shops, and ebay looking for cool vintage stuff to possibly buy now, possibly save pics of for future ideas, but all with the idea that we could use them somehow in our wedding. So lo and behold, when I go to check out Mimi's blog, she's got a kickass guestbook that would make the vintage lovers among us shiver with jealousy! Seriously cool! I've seen a lot of pretty neat ideas for guestbooks around the blogosphere: using vintage typewriters, polaroids, photobooths, etc. Ultimately, though, they are all the same, which of course we all know I hate. But Mimi here, well, she's outdone them all. While perusing her local Salvation Army, she happened onto a couple of books with record sleeves that had the coolest names on it (e.g. Band of Gold, I Love You, etc.). Very cool. Check it out below, and check Mimi out to your right.

A Little Birdie Told Me You Were Getting Married

Less cynical post today. I love the concept of little birdies decorating our wedding. I haven't gotten A.P. completely on board yet, but he's not totally opposed to the idea either. The thing about wedding planning with me and A.P is that he doesn't want to do it. We're not engaged yet, but we both know it's coming. He's told both of his parents and some of his friends (and some of mine), and me that he is going to ask me to marry him sometime this year. Neither of us want a long engagement. Our wedding is not going to be a formal wedding either. The thing is, I don't want to have to compromise aspects of my wedding to please other people. Other people who aren't getting married. So a long time ago I decided that, if I could, I would have a surprise wedding. People would think they were showing up to one thing, and it would be my wedding. This also works well with my no bridesmaids, no bachelorette parties, no huge wedding, no flower girls thing. Luckily A.P. is on board with the idea (another sign we're meant to be, right?).

All that being said, planning a wedding can take anywhere from a year to 18 months, and you have to give people notice, so I've been trying to come up with ideas so that when it's time, we don't have to spend a long time trying to figure out details. A.P., though, is a procrastinator, the ultimate procrastinator, in fact. Every time I bring up wedding planning he figures there's time for all that later. But you, brides, you know I'm right. So I keep a folder of inspiring things, I check websites I like, and I take note. And through it all, I can't seem to get away from the little birdies idea.

Check out Once Wed's post today! It's a beautiful DIY birdie garland. Baby's breathtaking! Plus for less than $15, it's a steal!

Saturday's Child Works Hard for a Living

I love, love, loved nursery rhymes as a kid. My mother had this beautiful book with the most fantastic illustrations for all these different nursery rhymes. It was, by far, one of my favorite books. My favorite rhyme was Goosey Goosey Gander, which if you know that rhyme, is pretty funny considering how semi-violent it is. Anyway, one of my favorite rhymes was "Monday's Child," do you remember this rhyme? Here it is in its entirety if you don't:

Monday's child is fair of face.

Tuesday's child is full of grace.

Wednesday's child is full of woe.

Thursday's child has far to go.

Friday's child is loving and giving.

Saturday's child works hard for a living,

But the child who is born on the Sabbath Day

Is bonny and blithe and good and gay.

The point of today's post is to talk about how fucking weirdly ironic nursery rhymes are. This nursery rhyme might as well have been a Magic 8 Ball! If only I had known!!

My whole life I've worked my ass off. I started babysitting when I was in the 4th grade. I bought myself a computer, a study abroad trip, a class trip, and many other things. When I turned 16 and didn't get a job the next day, I was told I needed to "get on that" by my mother. So I did. I worked my way through undergrad, and got a job right away after college. I even worked my goddamn breaks. In fact, I worked MORE over breaks. After graduating college, I worked at a shitty job for over two years and then went back to grad school. I made the decision that I needed time to do other things besides work while I was in school. I needed the time to read, to write, to be creative. I needed that. I didn't just want it. I deserved it. So much for that plan. I didn't get into the cheap state school because I didn't have my undergrad degree in the right field (you would think they would have mentioned that to me on the more than one occasion I talked to a school rep...geesh), so I applied to the more expensive private university, and thus had to get a job. So I worked my ass off and worked through grad school. At any given moment, since the time I graduated high school, I'm two centimeters away from being a total broke ass motherfucker. Currently, I'm totally uninsured. I own no property. I don't have a car. I graduate in May and will have about 60K in loans. I have about 6K in credit card debt. It's fucking AWESOME!!! But here's the thing about me: I don't often complain about it. I know that might seem hard to believe given the fact that I'm kind of bitching about it now, but I really don't complain very much about being totally fucking broke.

Then there are days like today. I have spoiled friends and I have to tell you, the world would be a much more tolerable place if rich people didn't exist. Or at least didn't flaunt their wealth. Spoiled people are the worst. When spoiled people get in my face, and have the audacity to complain to me about their own "poverty," I gotta tell you, it makes me want to punch them in the face. I sometimes want to say, "Hey, how about you go fuck yourself and I'll be over here enjoying your wealth?" Because I would be happy every goddamn day if I had their kind of money, you know what I mean? My whole life and all its goals have been compromised because of my lack of monetary funds and the fact that I've had to provide for myself since I was a kid. I'm good with money, but never have any of it!



Now what does this have to do with weddings? Well, not much, except that it seems to me that now more than ever, these fucking crazy brides who drop 30K+ on their weddings should all be given the hose. (It puts the lotion in the basket, or else it gets the hose. Come on...what's that from???) I found a new wedding blog today...one that made this Saturday's child want to punch some seven Vera Wang wearing bridesmaids having, one ricockulously (that's like riDICulous, but you see what I did there? I replaced the DIC with COCK. That's right. It's awesome. Tell your friends.) expensive Valentino bridal gown wearing dumb bitch bride in the face. Did that sentence make any sense? Those of you who understand why I hate, understood my sentence. Is this giant wedding having really socially responsible in these times? Some would argue at any time. I guess it's obvious where I stand on this issue, but I gotta tell you, it's time the "indie brides" fought back. This shit is riCOCKulous.




Not to mention that it just makes me angry that all these little bitches do short movies with photos at their wedding. Why? Because I love that idea, but I can't do it, because in the end, I'll be no better than them. And they all use The Beatles song "In My Life" or "I Will" which drives me freaking CRAZY since those are genuinely two of my favorite songs. DAMMIT!!!

The Bride Wore Black

Is marriage the death of love? When I told my mother that A.P. is planning on asking me to marry him this year, she responded by saying, "Well, are you excited about that? Is that something you're ready for?" Please note that her reaction was not, "That's freaking AWESOME!" Then people wonder why I don't have the bride gene.

Seriously though, I didn't grow up fantasizing about wedding planning. I don't even remember having fake weddings. So it goes to figure that I wouldn't want a "typical" wedding. That being said, I figure if I'm going to be a bride, I'm going to do it my way. That will later go for marriage, too.

Here's my list of don't want them, not interested in them, could give a shit about them:

1. Bridesmaids: Perhaps it seems totally wrong that I wouldn't want a bunch of girls surrounding me when I take my wedding vows, but I can't help it. Why would I ask my best girlfriends to buy their own dresses, focus only on me, and take pictures all day? Why would I force my best girlfriends to plan parties and showers for me and then make myself the center of attention? I want my friends to share in my celebration, but not like that. Which leads me to my next item...



2. Bachelorette Party: I gave up binge drinking in my early twenties. I'm not interested in blow job shots, sex jokes, stupidity or any of the other basically irresponsible behavior that comes with the bachelorette party. I was at a party last year and surrounded by mostly recent brides who were all talking about their bachelorette parties, when I made the comment that I will never have a bachelorette party. OH MY GOD! I was almost beheaded. I was definitely publicly shamed. Why? Because I don't want to act like an idiot? God gave me a brain. I plan on using it wisely prior to my wedding.



3. White Pouffy Dress: Seriously? As Miranda in SATC said when she got married, "The jig is up." I'm not a virgin. I might go try on white dresses for fun, but I want a one of a kind, beautiful dress. If my dress happens to be white, that's one thing, but it won't be a wedding dress from David's Bridal, that's for damn sure.



3. Bad Food: Why is it that every wedding I've ever been to has had TERRIBLE food? Honest to God, some of the worst food I've ever eaten (and I'll eat ANYTHING) has been at weddings. It's hard for me to ask my closest friends and family to come join in the celebration of my love for A.P. and then feed them horse manure. Ick.



4. Huge, ridiculous wedding guest list: I don't know 200 people I would want to talk to for hours on end, so why would I go out of my way to find a bunch just so they can worship my bride-ness? Silly. Close, intimate wedding, here I come!



5. Flower Girls, and other small children who detract from my wedding: I love kids. I nannied for a long, long time. So this doesn't mean I don't want kids at my wedding, I just don't want them to be a part of my wedding. I want them in a corner with a hired babysitter who is doing arts and crafts with them. Enough said.



I'm sure there are other don't want thems, not interested in thems, could give a shit about thems, but for now these five will have to suffice. Trust me...I'm cynical, I'll find more.

I Should've Kept Smoking and Shut My Mouth

When I finished my undergrad studies, I was madly in love with a guy named Bob. Of course his name wasn't really Bob...we all know that...but it was just as plain and he was just as boring. I was madly in love with him, and like most of the men I was madly in love with in my youth, he wasn't as much in love with me. We went on many non-dates (those are the best!)...he low fived me at the end of most of them...we never kissed or touched in any kind of sexual way, even though everyone sensed the sexual tension between us. When I graduated college, we vowed to keep in touch, and we didn't at all. But I still held out hope that something would be different. Around the same time, I revealed to my family that I smoked (I don't anymore, so go fuck yourselves for temporarily judging me). So this is the background and this is the scene:

I'm sitting on the couch after having pitifully moved back home in an attempt to save money at the risk of losing any shred of sanity I may have running through my meatloaf of a brain. I'm smoking. My mom tells me I should quit, and I respond (thinking I'm being cute and clever, forgetting that my mom doesn't really love me and so doesn't really fear hurting my feelings), "I'll tell you what: When Bob asks me to marry him, I'll quit smoking." My mom's response? Easy: "Do you really think you're the marrying kind?"

Flash forward seven years, and I still wonder the same thing. I love my boyfriend so much it hurts sometimes. (Seriously...it hurts my side, and it happens more when it rains...what is that all about?) But I wonder a lot whether I'm giving up a part of myself for a relationship. I have always been independent, and taken care of myself. The past year I moved in with my current boyfriend, Apple Pie (because his real name is as American as apple pie), and it's been the hardest transition ever. I worry marriage will be harder, or that I'll be giving up part of myself. I worry more that I'll follow in my parents' footsteps and end up divorced. I don't have the most pro-marriage family, either. I know I'm going to get married and I'm really excited about that. I know that Apple Pie (A.P. from now on) is the best man there is, and I know he's going to be the best dad ever when we have kids. He's supportive and loving and I love him and want to be with him, but I can't shake the fear that I'm giving up some part of myself.

As kids we are told we can have it all: marriage, kids, career, more money than our parents had. I sometimes wonder...am I the only one feeling like this? This blog is an attempt to take a fresh stab at relationships and love. I love a good love story, and ours is one for the books, I think, but the difference between a good love story and a great love story is relatability. I hope that this blog will provide that.