Shutting Up to Stay Sane

Yesterday, I was at a friend's house rehearsing lines with her for an upcoming audition. While taking a break, we started talking about plans for the future and how A.P. and I were trying to deal with certain things (like my not having a job, and how that will affect our time frame for getting married). Anyway, I started to talk a little about wedding planning, and I immediately felt uncomfortable. Let me also say that the woman I was talking to is in her 60s, has never been married and has no kids. I was talking about how traditional wedding stuff makes me uncomfortable, and how the idea of me in a white dress, in a church, with a hundred and fifty people standing around is just not my thing. Anyway, then I mentioned that there was one white dress I've seen that I loved a lot, but for the most part, I'm not interested in the typical wedding accoutrement (that's right, people, I know fancy words!). This woman didn't really respond, except with a slight eye raise, and a smirk. And then I shut up.

So, why did I shut up? Because, I think I'm always very reluctant to talk about wedding stuff with people because only 5% of the people are truly happy for you. This is true in life, in general. The rest resent you, or judge you, or have their own ideas for you. I don't really talk about wedding planning to anyone outside of A.P. and a couple of friends, and that's mainly because, well, A. we're not doing any serious planning now, just batting around ideas, and talking about what we love, what we don't, etc., and B. I know it's not everyone's cup of tea. The more I realize I want to be married, and have a nice, albeit non-traditional type of wedding, the more I realize that the only people who really seem to be happy for me are the ones who either are awesome, supportive people (like the ones I've been talking to, and btw, these people are few and far between...I'm lucky to have 2!), fellow bride-to-bes (like the bridal bloggers), or people who are married and had to endure the same kind of judgement.

A.P. tells me all the time that I'm too sensitive a person, but it's easy for him to say that when his whole family is responding by saying, "So, when's the date? We can't wait!" and my whole family is saying, "You're getting married? Is this something you think you're ready for? Don't you feel like a sellout?" Don't get me wrong, I'm not sitting at home right now, and crying over my lack of audience, I'm just saying, perhaps, just PERHAPS, there's a reason why I'm choosing a surprise wedding.

Has anyone else had to shut up to stay sane?


  1. I'm sorry you are getting that kind of flack from your family. I had a tough time before our wedding because my dad does not like my husband and thinks I'm too good for him, etc., etc., etc.

    It took a long talk; explaining to my father that I've mede my decision, and his negative input was in no way welcome. He stopped the naysaying and second guessing.

    My best advice is to be honest, mature, and explicit about the kind of input that is unwelcome.

  2. absolutely. i was shocked at the advice i got from people whom i barely know. and the odd advice and comments i never would have expected from close friends. and i am definitely that girl who notices when the other person is not agreed or even really interested. time to take it to the blog.
    why would getting married be selling out though? please share.

  3. yes indeed! ONLY people who are getting married(or family/BFF's, super close to you) want the deets..just like people without kids don't want to hear about Little Janey making poopy for the first time...I don't talk about my wedding unless someone asks specifially and even THEN they still get a cursory response....I figure they're only being polite or making conversation

  4. Most definitely. One of the unintended benefits of planning a surprise wedding is that once we old our friends and family that we'd posponed the OTHER wedding we were planning in favor of a private destination wedding for just the two of us, the questions stopped. Who knows if the judgment stopped along with it, but at least now people are keeping it to themselves.

    As much as I enjoy talking about weddings on the interwebs, it makes me very uncomfortable to do so in real life.

  5. Thanks everyone for the great comments! Not only were you all very supportive, but everyone seemed to totally understand what I was talking about!

    @Maiden Metallurgist: Thanks for the kind words! I think it will probably come down to the same thing with my family.

    @mimi: *I* don't think getting married is selling out. My bachelor brother does. He just never wants to get married, so to him, it's selling out. It's ridiculous. He's crazy.

    @sommer: That's true! It's exactly like the kids thing. And part of me knows when I had some of my old friends getting married, I didn't care either. Still though, I'm soooo not that kind of bride-to-be. Either way, though, it's good that I at least know my audience. Lol...

    @surprisewedding: I'm the exact same way! Like I said to sommer above, it's all about knowing your audience. I'm totally comfortable gushing about stupid wedding crap on the internet, but not to people. There's only two people I really talk to about it. I feel like I'm disappointing or annoying everyone when I talk about it if I know they kind of don't care.

  6. Yes! In the beginning of my engagement it was just Felix and myself.

    The more people ask, the more I don't want to share. And by people I'm referring to my mother, sisters, and (one) aunt. 'People' ask what I'm planning on doing, yet in the end they seem to want to convince me to do something completely different. The best advice I can give you so far is to try and keep everything (decisions etc.) between you and your fiance, but keep sharing with the select few who share your attitude. You need all the positive support you can get. :)

  7. Have you seen this yet today? http://100layercake.com/blog/archives/1345

    It's a 'surprise' wedding.

  8. Keep a strong head and heart and do what YOU want.

  9. Again, thanks for all the comments! I think this might be a new record in terms of comments!

    @Liz: Those people on 100 layer cake stole my engagement party idea!! J/k. : O ) I feel the same way about my mother and sister! I agree, though, keeping it between me and A.P. is our best bet.

    @BellyDanceGirl: Well put!

  10. What?! A sellout?! What a strange reaction. But then you mentioned your bachelor brother and it all makes sense.

    To each his own.

    Enjoy this special time.

  11. I think it's great that you already realize that there just are some people that won't be happy for you but you seem to not take it personally. I've been happily married for 15 years and the same people who couldn't share my joy then are the same ones that couldn't be happy for us when our children were born or can't be happy for us that we're still happily married.

    Sometimes you do need to adjust what and how much you share with certain people both to avoid making them uncomfortable and to save yourself the let down of your enthusiasm being met with a blank stare. Just don't let anyone dampen your happiness.

  12. This is such an awesome solution. I wish I could figure out how to keep my big mouth shut.

    P.S. just discovered your blog. I dig it.


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