I see a lot of gift guides out and about on the internet. My all time favorite is always Joanna Goddard's on A Cup of Jo. I love how she personalizes her gift guide, as if she were really going to buy all those things for all those people!
The thing is, lately I've been super annoyed with my family. They're all acting like a bunch of jerks and if I were Santa, I'd totally put them on the naughty list. See, I come from a big family, there's seven of us total including my parents. You know what that is? That's too many damn opinions. That's what that is. So, in honor of crazy parents, kooky siblings, and overall nutty relatives, I give you my take on Joanna's gift guide, or as I like to call it, Gifts I'd Really Like to Give. It's totally budget friendly, and expresses to those who annoy you best just how much they annoy you.
Here's what to get your...
...Crazy, Steadfastly Becoming Elderly Mother Who No Longer Gives You Real Gifts, But Instead Gives You Wrapped Up Mementos From Your Childhood and Weird Shit From the Dollar Store
Easy. Give her this frame! It's the same one she gave your husband inexplicably for Christmas two years ago. (See photo essay below.)
A.P., excited, before he actually opened the gift.
Scared of what's coming!
Unimpressed, A.P. sets the frame down and hopes for something better later.
The frame, up close. Why in the world would you ever give that to a man??
...Totally Insane Indian Father Who Never Uses a Single, Damn Gift You Give Him and Always Gives You Checks or Cash for Gifts in a Card He Got for Free in the Mail
Duh. A check. And since he's 83, let's make it one for $5. See if he'll get the joke.
...Your Gets Too Drunk at Family Functions Brother Who Sometimes Wears Pink Shirts and Last Year Gave You a Rabbit Wine Opener Even Though You Never Drink Wine Really and You Spent Almost a Hundred Bucks on Him
Um, you're going to regift that stupid Rabbit Wine Opener. He was drunk when he gave it to you. He doesn't remember that shit.
...Your Unemployed Brother Who You Love Dearly But Who Neither Gives Gifts Nor Seems to Appreciate That You Bought Him One Even Though Again, You Spent Almost a Hundred Bucks on Him
Mix it up this year. Give him nothing. And pretend that's what you do all the time. Let him figure it out. Or let him not figure it out. You just got off gift-free. Who gives a hoot?
...Your Other Brother Who You Don't Even Talk To
Nothing. You don't talk to his dumb butt anyway.
...Your Sister Who Lives in India and Who You Swear Doesn't Get You at All and Who You Also Swear Gives You Gifts from Her Emergency Gift Drawer and Who When You Gave Her Curtis Sittenfeld's book Prep Five Years Ago Gave It Back After She Was Done Reading It
Give her Prep. Tell her she forget it stateside and you know how important it is to her. Then wrap up one of your mom's gems and give it to your sister. Yes. Awesome.
...Your Brother-in-Law Who Does Get You (Thank God) and Who You Like to Go to Concerts With on Occasion and Who Is Super Easy to Talk to and..Gasp!...NORMAL.
Actually get him something good. He's good people.
...Your 22 and 21 Year Old Nephews Who Never, Ever Buy Anyone Gifts Really But Who Gladly Reap All the Christmas Rewards Year After Year and Who Two Years Ago Gave You Super Troopers on DVD and Your Husband Amistad. Seriously.
This is a total no-brainer. You give one Super Troopers and you give the other Amistad. They're both still in the wrapper, too. So it will look like you came up with some elaborate joke when really, you're just giving them a taste of their own, not so funny medicine.
...Your Mother's Boyfriend Who Watches Fox News ALL. DAY. LONG. and Who Has All the Answers and Too Many Opinions But Who Does Love Your Mother A Whole Lot So You Tolerate Him
Obama Toilet Paper. Feed into his nuttiness.
Now sing gleefully as you wrap your gifts! Fa la la la la, la la la, la!