Lately, I've been down about a lot of things. Here's a short list:
- Having barely a voice for over a month. Since we got back from Leland, I've had a sore throat and then eventually I lost my voice. For over a month, I haven't been able to speak louder than a whisper or a sad, little high-pitched voice. I haven't been able to sing, which I do daily (srsly...and I very rarely tell people that I do that). It's not like I'm a singer, but until now, I've never realized how sad it makes me not to be able to sing. And most of all, I can't do my job very well. I talk a lot for my job and lately work has been busy and it's been incredibly difficult to do my job well. This is the first week I've felt like it's going away, but it's still not 100%. Here's hoping!
- Losing Radar. Every day is a little bit better, but it's still hard. I haven't cried in a while, but I'm also getting tired of telling people the story and how he's no longer with us. That makes it even more miserable some days. Also, losing a pet, especially one that you loved so, so much, makes you learn a lot about your friends and family. Some people's reactions to our loss has been pretty underwhelming and it's, in some ways, changed my opinion about people. On the other hand, some people have moved me so much with their kindness. I always say in times of trouble, you find out who your real friends are.
- Being uninspired. I'm too numb from a lot of things to play guitar every day, to write good blog posts, etc. It's bumming me out. I'm feeling blocked and lousy. I haven't even wanted to garden. I just want to sleep all the time. And it might be sadness, but it's predominantly work. It's got me going in overtime again and I'm exhausted. I'm lucky if one day a week I leave on time (that's usually Thursday since I have guitar lessons) and I'm mentoring a new employee and it sucks a lot of my energy.
- Blogging. I feel like this year I've put a lot of energy, time, and my heart into blogging. For a while, things were looking up. Way up. Now they're not. It's hard not to be sad about it. I keep telling myself that everything ebbs and flows, but it's impossible not to be frustrated and sad about it. I wanted to expand NTMK this year and right now I feel like I have to take steps backward instead of forward. So I'm holding off and it's making me sad.
- Money. Since we went to that terrible wedding in August, we've been broke. We're not really broke, as we save a large part of our income every month, but to me that's money I don't touch and therefore don't have. I keep thinking we're done with paying large credit card bills, but then something happens. We were finally going to be done and be able to save even more aggressively and then Radar passed away. The fun thing about having your dog die is that you're usually stuck with a large vet bill, too. Our was $830. And we no longer have a dog. Fun.
So, all of that leads to my happiness being tied directly to this:
Last Friday, we pulled the final tomato, zucchini, and pepper harvest from the garden. It was the first time I'd been out there since Radar passed away. Since I took him there all summer, it was a bit hard for me to go out there. As we finished up pulling the veggies, the sky started to change dramatically. It was still sunny, but parts were dark and stormy. As I was driving home, it started pouring down rain. It was still sunny as hell, though, to the east. I knew there must be a rainbow and sure enough, there it was. I must have looked like a nut because I kept pulling over and taking pictures. At one point, a little closer to my place, I saw a double rainbow. It was amazing.
I haven't seen a rainbow since we got engaged. And that's when it seemed like all this terribleness started. Seeing that rainbow gave me hope that maybe things will get better...on all fronts. I know it's silly, but I've needed a sign lately. When Radar died, I told A.P. that I was sick of terrible things happening to us, that we need a good year.
I haven't had a good year since 2008/the 1st 3/4 of 2009. In the end of 2009, we lost A.P.'s mother and dealt with terrible family health problems. In 2010, we both lost our jobs and I went into a deep depression. This year, I've had to step up to the plate to figure out my dad's financial situation (after he was in the hospital), ended a friendship that I thought would never end and lost our dog, which helped shape the memories all of our years together.
I need a good year.
Sure there were some good things in those years (engagement, getting married, finding a job I love, winning a grant, and beginning my gardening program at work), but they all seem shadowed by such large, terrible losses and tragedies.
We need a good year.
We need a year like we had when we were in our early twenties, when it was seemingly nonstop fun and only good things showered our lives.
We need the shit storm to stop.
We need a good year and I'm putting my money on this year, specifically the next twelve months.
I'm believing in this rainbow, so help me God.