Where I'm At

Right now, I am working on so many things, I can't even begin to blog, but I feel I have to. I am in the process of gathering together the final wedding posts so we can MOVE ON. I still love to look at the wedding photos, but it's becoming a song I've listened to far too many times. The other issue is that A.P. and I are having some problems now. I am not going to get into it, but suffice it to say, we are not in the best place. I know some of you out there are probably wondering how that can be since we just got married, but first of all, we've been together for four years, so this isn't just developing, and second of all, we've had A LOT of stress on our relationship in the last year besides the wedding and getting married: parents having surgeries, siblings getting divorced, siblings being in the hospital, parents passing away, job losses for both of us (and mine was my dream job, and it's been an ugly situation). Most days I feel like I just can't take it anymore. I don't know where it goes from here, though some days I wish I was psychic because then I would.

The other thing is that I'm in a bad place friend-wise. I have no one to talk to about this stuff. And I can't talk to A.P., because lately, we can't talk. I just had a nervous breakdown because I couldn't find my bra. I literally pounded my fist into the wall three times out of anger over something so stupid. And then I just started crying and losing my shit (and throwing a pile of A.P.'s clothes all over the bedroom for no other reason than I'm sick of there being clothes everywhere). I'm so...angry, and sad, and I feel so alone. I know this is just a dark day and that tomorrow will be better, but I've just never been in a place like this in my life. I've always had a strong network of close friends who I could talk to about anything, and I don't have that right now. Everyone is scattered, people I was once really close to, I'm not at all anymore (which is a whole depressing thing unto itself, and was the cause of a lot of stress and frustration to me last year around this time), and though I have a lot of friends, I'm not really close to any of them. Let's put it this way, I used to have friends that would call me back right away or always pick up. Now I have friends that call me back whenever they remember or get around to it. It's depressing. Perhaps some of this I brought on myself by being with A.P., too. I don't know. The other thing is the new friends I thought I made from the job I had this past year, I'm beginning to realize aren't really my friends. Their lives are still tied to that job, and I'm not. So I'm beginning to feel out of place there, too.

I don't know if there is a solution to this. I don't know if this is normal, either. I hear a lot about the first year of marriage being the hardest, but we don't feel any different, so is this really that? I have no idea. All I know is that where I'm at is someplace I'd rather not be anymore. I long for better times with A.P. more akin to how we used to be. I long for close friends who I can call up any old time and share my latest gasp moment with. I long for the happiness I felt exactly one year ago before this shit storm that I thought we would/could weather, but perhaps aren't really doing such a hot job at weathering after all.