Marriage Mondays: Divorce

Wonder if that was just the mom of this Postsecret author putting her "in case" plan in writing?

Has it happened to you yet? Have you had a friend experience a divorce? 2011 marked a year of firsts...1st wedding anniversary, 1st time experiencing the loss of a pet other than a goldfish or hamster, and the 1st time we had a friend divorce. It was rather bittersweet because I never really loved my friend's wife and I certainly never felt they were well-suited for each other. On the other hand, A.P. and I really liked hanging out with them. They lived out of state, but a close enough drive that we would hang out with them a few times a year. They were one of our favorite couples to hang with! I'm happy for my friend because I think that he's happier now, but I know divorce is a mess of a thing, and that, for him, 2011 was perhaps not his best year.

Here's the thing: Divorce is a part of marriage. And it's a part I feel that should not be discussed with your partner but should also be prepared for whether you plan on divorcing or not. A.P. and I have no intentions of getting divorced...ever, if we can help it. But we have talked about divorce and what we would want for each other if we were to get divorced. For instance, A.P. always tells me that he's happy I have a career and that if we got divorced I wouldn't be helpless and my source of income wouldn't dry up. That happened to his mother. We also try to talk about how we would try to be civil to one another. It's easy to say things like that now in the hopes that we never get divorced and it's a non-issue, but the reality is that it's more likely we'll divorce than not. In reality, the hope is that we remember these things, these other vows we've taken in the event that a divorce occurs.

I also feel that as a woman, it is my responsibility to secure my financial future and take care of myself in case of a divorce. Some of the best pre-wedding reading I did was an article about financial planning that emphasized how important it is as a wife to have your own money. It is why when we got serious and later married, I insisted on keeping a personal checking and savings account (I've talked about our finances before in case you're interested). In 2011, I saved a substantial amount of money...for myself. And I continue to do so. This is not for retirement or our house or anybody else but me. This is my "in case shit" money. If I lose my job, it's how I would pay my portion of our bills. If we get a divorce, it's money A.P. and I have agreed will remain mine. Of course, that may end up being money that's used to pay a lawyer, but it's my money. I earned it and I worked hard to save it. It's rightfully mine and in total, it's less than I have contributed to our joint finances all year long.

This does no harm to my marriage but makes me feel secure in so many ways. It means that if I needed to, I could get an apartment in a pinch because I'd have the security deposit. It means that if I needed to, I could buy a plane ticket somewhere. It means I have a safety net. And that is worth more than the money I have saved.

Does all this make me cynical? Perhaps. Does it make me selfish? Well, if that seems selfish, then I guess I'm selfish. But I've seen too many people be destroyed financially after a divorce and, in the end, I'd rather be safe than sorry. Plus, I'd rather know that at some point I could remind A.P. about our conversations, our other marriage vows, the ones where we vowed to be kind in case shit happened.

Do you talk about divorce in your marriage? Or is it more of a taboo topic?

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(Photo of Postsecret via here)

Marriage Mondays: MarriAGE

Before I met A.P., I always told myself that I wouldn't get married until I was well into my 30's. I figured that by then I would know myself really well, know what I wanted, and be able to ask for it and accept it with an open mind and an open heart. Little did I know, I'd turn out just like my mother: married by 29. Oh, the ironies of life. No worries though because I love A.P. a whole lot, so it's worked out.

Still, I'm always in a bit of disbelief about how young I was when I met A.P. And in even more disbelief when I realize that my whole plan to get married in my thirties went right out the window. I know I blame my mother for the whole "not the marrying kind" moniker, but let's be honest, I accepted it because in some ways, I always thought it was true. I didn't see myself as the kind of girl guys wanted to marry. I figured I'd need an older, wiser guy to have that realization.

I also thought jumping into marriage young was not exactly the wisest decision. I still stand by that statement, but am a lot more open to exceptions now. The reason I'm more open is for the same reason I stand by the statement: half of the people I know who married young are divorced now. That means there are some exceptions, but for the most part, things are as statistically stated many times before.

Still, if you peruse sites like Wedding Bee or The Knot's community boards, or heck, just read various blogs, you realize a lot of people marry young. And let's clarify what "young" is. I consider young to be 30 and younger, with the full understanding that most people think young is actually 25 and under. That being said, I can't for the life of me imagine being married at that time in my life. It was hard enough being in a relationship in my late 20's. I felt like I was growing up too fast in some ways when a lot of my friends were still all out having fun. Those first couple of years were tough sometimes and honestly the only thing that made it easier was that I loved A.P. and I couldn't imagine breaking up with him.

Also, your 20's are this great big leap between childhood and adulthood. You change in ways you can't even foresee. You settle, for lack of a better word, about a lot of things, too. The things that I'm doing now I didn't even envision for myself at age 22. I have a hard time thinking back about my early 20's and being sure about anything, let alone a person I was going to marry. I know everyone is different and some people can mature and grow together from even an early age, but most people I know who married young and are divorced now grew apart because their interests changed. Their direction in life altered in a way that no longer coincided with the person they'd vowed to be with for life and so the marriage ended.

I'm not offering any answers here and I'm not arguing any side is right. I think that rules I thought existed before I went ahead and broke anyway, so I'm certainly not one to judge. But it is an interesting conversation and one I thought might be appropriate here. Is there an appropriate age to get married? Did you/do you have any preconceived ideas about the age you'd be when you got married? And if you are married, do you think your age going in has affected the relationship at all? Let's discuss! : )

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