The Free to Be You and Me Club

Growing up, I listened to records. In fact, I had a little box with all my 45's, including a pretty awesome Star Wars read-along. But by far, my favorite record was Free to Be...You and Me. The cover was worn and falling apart from so many of us playing the record over the years (remember, I'm the youngest of five...and by a long shot).

If you're not familiar with Free to Be...You and Me, it was an album (and then a book, too...and yes, I had both growing up) created by Marlo Thomas that had songs, poems, and stories that were all about rejecting gender stereotypes. So, you had songs like "William Wants a Doll", "It's All Right to Cry", and of course the title song, "Free to Be...You and Me." It also had many stories and poems, including my personal favorite, "Atalanta," about a princess who wishes to see the world, but whose father wants her married to a nice prince. He holds a race and the fastest man gets to have her hand in marriage. However, Atalanta, being the modern princess that she is, begs her father to let her race, too. If she wins, she gets to see the world. If she loses, she'll marry the prince. Of course she ties with a boy from the village named Young John. He is awarded her hand in marriage, but refuses, saying really he just wants to get to know her. Atalanta says she cannot marry him without seeing the world first. So the two remain friends saying that maybe one day they'll marry, or maybe not, but they'll be happy in the end. People, this is feminism at its best!

I would post a picture of my record, which I still own, but unfortunately when I was a kid, I got really possessive and wrote my real name all over it in crayon. Then, in 1991, my grandmother wrote my name and "dedicated" officially making it mine. I love that and it only makes that record even more special.

When I went off to college, one of the first things I did was to get nostalgic. I went to a Coconuts Records (remember those??) and special ordered the CD of Free to Be...You and Me, which I would then put on when I wanted to nap and fall asleep to it. Yes, that's right. Even at 18 years old, I found comfort in this old recording.

As I've gotten older, I've realized that knowing about Free to Be...You and Me is like being a part of special club. It's one of those things that when its mentioned, you smile because you "get it." And if something I love (e.g. a TV show, a radio station, an actress) mentions it, I get super excited! So far, I've seen references made by Gwyneth Paltrow on Inside the Actor's Studio (it was her answer to what inspires you), Sex and the City ("The Right to Shoes" episode), Half Nelson (the family listens to "It's All Right to Cry"), and Target used the title song in a commercial not too long ago.

The thing is, I'm starting to realize, too, how influential that silly, little record has been on my life. I really believe that I'm the independent person I am and that I approached love the way I did because I listened to Atalanta more times than I care to share. It's also why I hate housework (listen to Carol Channing's awesome reading of the poem here). It's why ages ago, I decided I'd never be my mom and slave over housework all day long. It's also one reason, albeit a tiny one, why I want to have kids one day (one day far, far away)...so I can share the awesomeness that is Free to Be...You and Me with them.

Do you know Free to Be...You and Me? Are you part of the cool kids' club? If you weren't before, consider yourself inducted. : )

(Free to Be...You and Me album cover via here)

Marriage Mondays: Figuring out What Type of Parent You'll Be

Before we got married, we had the whole "Do you want children someday?" discussion. And for both of us the answer was yes. The conversation we never had (and which I think is fair to say most of my married friends also didn't have before marriage) is what kind of a parent do you want to be? Having pets inadvertently lets us answer that question, specifically our dog, Radar.

As cute as our dog is (see link above), Radar has some bad habits, including peeing (and occasionally pooping) in the house, eating the cat's food (and her poop on occasion), and the guinea pig's poop that's always flying out of his cage when he bucks. I know. I can't believe we let him sleep in our bed either. A lot of this has to do with the first half of his life and his old owners, who, because he is a tiny, little dog, never really trained him (or walked him). A.P. was around for these years and was pretty much the one who always walked him when he visited and then later lived with Radar.

When we took Radar in, we tried to change as much of that bad behavior as possible, but there are some things we can't change at all. Like the peeing in the house. A.P. can walk that dog at 10:50pm and an hour later, he'll still pee in the house (at least now, though, he pees on a pee pad).

But dealing with these problems has made us realize how we might deal with our children one day. And let me tell you that this is how that shit will work out: I will be the disciplinarian and A.P. will be the one who consoles and comforts (and probably is their BFF behind my back). In other words, I'm the bad cop, he's the good cop. And here's how we know: every time Radar does something bad, I reprimand him and then two minutes later A.P. scoops him up and fawns all over him. I get so mad because it basically undoes all my reprimanding and gets us nowhere. And don't think all I do is yell at the dog, because I love that dog sooo much, but I'm just a big believer in discipline/training. My cat, Zuzu, is a bit bad now because this apartment is bigger than my old one and it's harder to catch her doing bad things. But in my old apartment, she was never the type of cat to jump on the kitchen counters or tables or bookshelves, because I trained her not to do those things. Even now, she's pretty good about staying off the those things.

The thing is, I don't mind this sort of thing with a dog, but I worry about it with kids later on down the line. I guess I don't want to be the bitch who the kids hate because I'm always the one disciplining them. I worry that we'll become Claire and Phil Dunphy on Modern Family and A.P. will always be "peerenting" while I'm the one grounding children and forcing them to do chores. Because as much as I do want to make sure my kids are disciplined and respectful, I also want to have fun with them. I know I'll do that, too, but if I'm always the one enforcing the rules, I worry that I won't be the "fun" parent. I'll be avoided like the plague when it comes to asking for things. But most of all, I'll be the one who gets yelled at when the child is a teenager. I'll be the mean one who never gives the kid their way. Dammit. I guess all I can hope for is that I do enough fun stuff to even it out.

What kind of parent do you think you'll be? Have you and your significant other figured out the roles you'll play with kids later on down the line (or now if you have kids already)?

Check back later for some more Marriage Monday, but in the mean time, enjoy some Modern Family:



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(Modern Family clip via Hulu)

Dance Hall Days

Today is the last day to fill out the NTMK survey. Those of you who have filled it out already, thank you very much! It's been sooo helpful and has allowed me to really put things into high gear. I've come up with a lot of great ideas from your feedback and I can't wait to share them with you over the next few months. If you haven't yet filled out the survey, it's not too late! Click here.

I can't believe this week is over already! It flew by! I hate that we had to wait so long for summer to come and now it's flying by. Sometimes Chicago weather is lame. Today, A.P. has taken the day off work and I am planning a day trip for us. He needs a day of relaxation and I am trying to plan one for the both of us. We need a bit of fun.

Speaking of a bit of fun, this week's wedding is so charming, it's going to make you wish you were one of the lucky five guests invited. That's right! Five! Steven and Amanda's gorgeous, intimate wedding is so lovely and filled with such sweet details. It was beautifully shot by Bend the Light Photography in the bride's home state of Texas. But the thing I love the most, the thing that made me feature this wedding is the what Amanda wore. I love her beautiful skirt and super, super cute plaid shirt! How awesome is that?

Isn't that the sweetest thing ever? I love all the silhouettes and, of course, Steven's way cool pompadour. Der.

So, besides tomorrow's day trip, A.P. and I are hanging with family and chipping away at the apartment some more. We also have to take our dog to the vet...again. We took him last week, but he had another seizure (we are calling them this for lack of a better word since we are not entirely sure they are actually seizures). It's really, really sad and has cast a shadow over our house. I am trying to stay positive, but I worry that something is really wrong with poor little Radar. So we are giving him a little extra love this week to make up for the sad seizures and the three trips to the vet in the past week! What are you guys up to this weekend? Hopefully something better than worrying about a five pound beastie.

In the mean time, here are your dance moves for the week:

How about a dinner party in the middle of nowhere?

Did you hear? Did you hear? You can be darling on your wedding day, too! Yay!

The simultaneous joy and heartbreak of kids growing up

It seems like friendship bracelets are making a comeback. I was never into them the first time, but if you were, here are some easy DIY instructions. Rock it hard if you do make it, ladies!

One of my favorite wedding inspiration boards. Green and stripes? Ummm...count me in!

Thinking about submitting your wedding? First off, save it for me (more on that later). Second of all, have you heard of the Wedding Blog Directory? It outlines the submission requirements for different sites. So cool!

Want to go tubing through an old sugar plantation?

Vintage suitcase craft organizer

Pretty homemade peppermint patties

Do you subscribe to Not the Marrying Kind? If not, you should! It's free and fun and it means you automatically get new posts when the blog is updated. No having to check back! Click here for more details.

(Dance Friday Photo via here; Amanda and Steven's wedding photographed by Bend the Light; Photos via Love and Lavender)

Summer Dance

Hello, lovelies! Is anyone else ecstatic it is Memorial Day weekend?? I need the three day weekend badly! I'm super excited for the extra day because I will feel like I actually have a weekend instead of half of one. Now if only the weather would cooperate. This has been the coldest spring ever and all of us in Chicago are SICK. OF. IT! We need warm weather, and this weekend promises to deliver. In honor of the impending warm weather, I thought I would give you this lovely summer Up inspired wedding.

I've posted about Up inspired parties before, and A.P. wore a grape soda pin instead of a boutonniere on our wedding day. Still, this wedding takes the cake! This couple had an Up inspired engagement shoot, and the writer and producer of the film saw it! They ended up sending them an autographed book with a sweet note and a little hand drawing based on the adorable couple! But my favorite part of the wedding is the picnic seating. This would be the ultimate chill summer wedding seating arrangement!


Don't you love how much thought was put into that wedding? And doesn't that couple look as in love as Carl and Ellie? Le sigh.

Well, this weekend we have plans to see a movie with my dad, chill out, and hopefully get out to enjoy the weather a bit with a friend. Hope you all have a wonderful Memorial Day weekend! I will be back on Monday with a new Marriage Monday post!

Until then, here are your dance moves this week:

Love this height ruler from one of my favorite artists, Rob Ryan!

You MUST read this surprise engagement story! Husbands and future husbands take note!

These paper flags would make awesome swizzle sticks for Memorial Day cocktails!

In honor of the end of Stripes Every Day for the Month of May (of which I am still updating photos! Takes forever, man!), listen to this catchy version of The White Stripes' Seven Nation Army by Ben L'Oncle Soul.

Confession of a Soon-to-be Mom

I think we've finally found a silverware set we like, but I'd be equally inclined to thrift cool silverware and color them like this!

The perfect red, white, and blue dessert for Memorial Day weekend!

What prostitutes, TSA agents, and doctors have in common.

The prettiest fort ever.

(Friday Dance Photo by Me; Up Inspired Wedding Photos via Wedding Chicks)

What Pinterests Me

Have you gotten your Pinterest invite??? If not, please leave me a comment. I will invite you because you simply must. get. pinning! I've blogged about Pinterest a lot, but for those of you still not in the know, it works like this. You see some image you like on the internerd, you pin it to category boards you create on Pinterest. So easy. So addictive. Here are some things I've been pinning lately.

Dresser repurposed as a kitchen island. Brilliant.


Screw it. Next year my cake is going to be an ice cream cone cake and it will say Marty J. is 31! Kids don't get to have all the fun, okay?


When I grow up, I want to be surrounded my mystery and wonder and lightbulb gardens.


Amazing baby swing.


How do I get to stay here? Anybody know where this is??

If you're on Pinterest, feel free to follow me. I give good pins (insert sly grin here).

Guest Blogger: Not a Bride Yet

Yesterday, you read a post from one of my very first readers. Today, I'd like to introduce you to the other of my very first readers, Mimi, from Not a Bride Yet. Mimi was married almost two years ago (goes by so fast!), and since then she's been busy with a new project: her baby boy, Henry. I was excited when she, too, agreed to write a post here about the hectic life of a new mom. Lord knows I've been thinking about these things lately. And there are days when I think that there's no way in hell I could raise a kid and do it the perfect way I imagine it in my head, plus work 60-70 hours a week, plus blog, plus, you know, tend to my husband. Here, Mimi explains how you give up some of those ideals, and you get real. Enjoy!

so happy to be inspired by marty to write a post! it's been a while. i know that you, marty, are not in the same place in life as my post describes but i am hoping that one day you will look back at it and get some laughs from it. or at least let this serve as a warning to you!!

when i first got pregnant oh the plans i had! i was bound and determined to have the perfect pregnancy and to raise my child ... how shall i say it? perfectly is the right word i think ( read: make your own baby food and use cloth diapers). but more than that, i wanted to have this baby in style and simplicity, dispense with the unnecessary and tacky (read: modern crib and no cartoon figures on any accessories.). of course, most of all i wanted to make sure my child got all of the things that would nurture him in the best ways. (read: wooden non-toxic toys) and i thought, "i am OLD, 42 when he was born, i can do this right because i am wise and experienced and patient." all my friends told me it was a lofty goal, i should just make it easy on myself (read disposable diapers and food from jars) and now i see they were right. mostly.

the pregnancy. i said i would eat pristinely. perfect whole grain, vegetable and fruit filled diet for my unborn babe. ha! nobody tells you about the strong sugar/carb cravings. (there's actually a lot of stuff nobody tells you but there's probably a reason for that.). i ate ben and jerry's phish food, half pint a day. i had several glasses of wine during the pregnancy. also it was hard/impossible to ignore the del taco beef and cheese burrito cravings. some people i talked to craved fruit. lucky them.

next let's go on the the actual birth. i said i would not have an epidural. i did not have an epidural!! oh right, so that is not what this post is about. but i kind of wanted to brag. i stuck to my guns with some things.

ok back on track now that you are impressed.

i said i would not send out pictures of my son on birth announcement or holiday card. i also said i would not put him in little costumes. here is evidence of the way i dispensed with both of those resolutions in one fell swoop. oh -- resolutions get it? new year's?


he looks pissed.

excuse me henry is crying. be right back...

ok the world's cutest baby is asleep. (language i never thought i would use.)

i did not want to take a lot of professional pictures of henry as a newborn. it's so cliche and they look so squishy and funny anyway. all of those pictures of toes and hands? ick. and i now regret it. it's the only thing i said i would not do and now regret. for some reason the newborn stage was much more delicious than i thought it would be. i wish i had more pics of his little teeny hands and feet, god help me. probably because it was my own child? the photographer came to our room at the hospital and i said no thanks. we took a lot of iphone pics because you can send them right out but they are such bad quality i realized duh. witness the grainy iphone pic:

maybe pass this off as arty?

*** do i even need to mention the fact that i said i would never go around showing people pics of henry? it's not my fault, it's apple's. they make it really easy to be an obnoxious jerk. flip flip flip flip thru the phone. here's my dog. here's my dog again. here's my baby.

plastic baby shit as my friend sarah calls it. i was not going to have any of it in my house. none. first of all, it's bad for the environment to buy this junk and then use it for the 3 months anything lasts in baby world. secondly it's hideously ugly. and three i want henry to have all educational toys made of sustainable non-toxic finished wood that stimulate his creativity and enable his (my) plan to win the nobel peace prize. here's one of the first times i broke my rule.

ew.

this thing is so bright and tacky and it sits right in the middle of our living room. so i let him bat around at those scary looking plastic thingys while i made lunch or peed. i let my babygroup friends tell me it was developmentally helpful to let him have something at which to aim and to practice grabbing. a few times i would come back to him and find him with a frightened look on his face. that star thing with the face in the middle was scaring him i think. i mean look at all of that STUFF on that thing. i now know that ikea has something similar that is cheaper and much less frightening. fyi.

other gross stuff that ended up in my house:
-an ugly plastic swing
-a really ugly plastic chair lounger thingy with music and an underwater theme. also scares him. maybe because the batteries are dying and it sounds now like a scary movie soundtrack. underwater.
-a rock and play sleeper. whatever that means
-an upholstered nursing glider. not ugly but remember i said simple and it's the recession, we are supposed to be cutting back. or it was the recession anyway.
-a bunch of plastic toys. only one that talks and lights up. so far.
-one of those awful foam padding floor square mats. you know the ones that seem stylish but ARE REALLY NOT.
-a pack and play. you won't even know what this is if you don't have a kid. it's not that interesting. don't bother to find out what it is.

other evidence of weakness:

-the baby monitor. seemed extravagant but just wait to see how paranoid you are with your first child. you will need to check his breathing every five minutes.
-the mirror in the back seat so i can see his face. see above paranoia.
-two strollers. apparently this is not a lot. i don't care. i think it is a lot.
-disposable diapers -- but only at night!
-the crib bumper. you aren't even supposed to have these, they may not even be safe!!
-oh, and the pacifier. a sign of weakness on baby's part, i used to think. but they are born with the strongest urge to suck! my boobs could not handle it. if you aren't there yet, you'll see...

may i list my prouder moments?

-cloth diapers
-still exclusively breastfeeding at 6 months despite some hard times with it.
-his wardrobe is not extravagant. could be much much worse.
-we have a lot of the "stuff" we have because of hand me downs.
-a lot of his clothing is from a second hand store. it's called grow kid grow in silverlake and it's really great. recommended for l.a. mommies.
-babywearing him sometimes, trying for more.
-i have stuck to my guns and had the pediatrician give him his shots on a sloooooooow schedule. despite strong peer pressure and nurse ratchet at the office.
-i have been seeing all of my friends! keeping in touch. we have had several dinner parties. of course if you get an invite from us, i hope you like pizza.

this whole experience has been humbling, as are all big life experiences i guess. i felt this way too when i got engaged and when i got married. i realized i was a crappy friend to my friends who had been through these milestones before me. somehow i just could not know what it's like and respect the other person's experience until it happened to me. my friend who recently lost her father said that experience is the same, you just can't imagine how it feels until it happens. so now, when i see another mother (which by the way is really cool, all or at least lots of moms see each other and kind of nod. acknowledging the fellow warrior), i feel the respect. even if she has a bunch of ugly plastic shit all over the place, bad outfits, screaming kid and ten different strollers. well, ok, i judge a little. but really a lifetime of judging can't go away overnight.

and really, the reason i gave in to the things i strongly did not want to do or have? this love i have for this little guy, it's overwhelming. so much so that when the hormones were still going crazy right after he was born, i would cry to see his foot at night and think "where have you been all my life?" oh boy. not the mimi i know. the new mimi cries folding laundry because he is growing out of his onesies. i have to say it's a new, kinder mimi. i don't think i can blame the hormones any more. i like the new mimi though. (thank goodness).

the reason for the new mimi: henry


(Photos by Mimi at Not a Bride Yet)

You can check out more from Mimi (because hopefully she's going to post more, right, Mimi???) at Not a Bride Yet. Tomorrow, I'll be back with a Friday dance! That's right, an actual Friday dance! See you then!

Guest Blogger: Crabs & Coconut (plus a little shrimp)

When I first started blogging, I had two readers. They appeared out of nowhere, and I was so happy to have them. We sort of became a little threesome. We commented on each others' blogs, kept up with what we were doing, and basically stalked each other. One day, I was heartbroken when I went to one of the blogs, Crabs & Coconuts, and saw that Sommer, the blogger, had written a post saying that she and her fiance were calling off their wedding, and saying she was going to take down the blog. For months, I checked back, hoping the blog would magically re-appear. It didn't. Over the past two years, Sommer has commented on my blog, but I never knew what happened. The other day, I reconnected with her, and asked her if she would mind being a guest blogger this week. I'm happy to tell you she said yes, and wrote this lovely post about how her life has changed. Enjoy!

Almost two years ago, my significant other and I (sorry, I'm too old to say boyfriend, lol) were planning to get married. We set the date, picked the place, even started a zany blog about the impending trip down the aisle. Then, six months before we dipped in the marriage pool, we imploded. And not imploded in a carefully organized way, but pure and utter chaos and destruction!

I moved out of the home we shared for the past four years (we've been together for 10 years or so), went to therapy, lost about 30 pounds (the highlight of the implosion), stopped teaching, and just stopped everything. I did pick up hanging out with my girlfriends more often (girlfriend is okay to say at ANY age lol).

Then the dreaded wedding day loomed in the distance. What was I going to do but stay home in my room like a shut-in. NO NO NO! I had had enough.

It was time to get on with the business of living. That quote from Shawshank Redemption stuck in my head one night. A few months later, we reconnected and tried to work things out. We even went to therapy and a fun filled trip to Mexico. Eventually, we got back together...let me stop lying, we got back together right after the wedding date, and picked up like things never stopped.

There were many lessons learned in that short time. I learned A LOT about myself, men, and that life happens, whether you participate or sit on the sidelines! Today, we have moved past the past and have a little shrimp added to the crazy mix. She is now three months old, and I simply can't imagine life without her. Even though my days are now filled with pee, poo, vomit, boogers, baby books, and baby music, I wouldn't trade any of it for anything.

So, what have I taken away from the craziness of the past two years? I've learned to take life as it comes and try not to control everything around me and just ENJOY life! Granted these lessons took a long time to learn, it's worth it in the end, as I can pass on my lessons learned to the little one.

P.S. Life DOESN'T actually end like I thought when you have kids! We take her to happy hour (oh the horror), brunch, dinner. I sometimes go to the gym and leave her home with Coconut...we take her EVERYWHERE we go!

Thanks again, Sommer! I still miss your voice! And I'm still encouraging you to come back to the blogging side (it's like the dark side, but better)!

Baby Steps

Getting married opens the door to something, and it's nothing I ever really considered until I got married. Getting married means that if you get knocked up, it's not shameful. It's what's expected. Not that you should be ashamed either way, but you know what I mean. And it seems like once that door is opened, it's hard to close it.

I've always known I wanted children some day. I was a longtime babysitter, and during grad school, I nannied to pay my bills. I love kids, but nannying as an adult, particularly one who saw marriage and kids on the horizon, really altered how I feel about children. It made me not want to have them. So imagine my surprise when I got married and I started to think about babies. It didn't help that so very, very, very many bloggers that I read started getting pregnant/having babies, too. And while I have cheered on all of those pregnancies (some more loudly than others) and it is fun to read about everyone going through their pregnancy and labor and parenting, it hasn't felt like something I really wanted to do. Yet, anyway.

Lately though, I can't seem to stop thinking about it. Let's be clear, it's incredibly inconvenient to have children now.

A. We don't own our own place yet, and we live in a small 1 bedroom apartment.
B. We like our freedom.
C. There are some things I'm not quite willing to give up yet.
D. I'd like to reach some more financial/personal goals before I start trying to get pregnant.
E. I'd like to reach some more professional goals before I start trying to get pregnant.

So what am I to do? Hitting 30 meant thinking about it pretty much all the time. I have no one to talk to about it, either. I'm too scared to bring it up with my friends that are parents. Well, some of them anyway. And A.P. is certainly not thinking about it. It is getting worse, too. The other day I almost blurted out the words, "I think I want to have a baby," even though I don't. It was almost impossible to control myself.

I know a lot is changing with me, hormonally anyway. Lord knows I've talked about the crying before. So, am I to assume this is another hormonal change? Or is this really something I want, but can't really do right now? Who knows? Have any of you struggled with this yet? Especially you newlyweds...I'm curious how you've handled/plan to handle the kids after marriage issue.

PS. I'm hoping that next week, I'll be back to blogging 5x a week. I'm still working some overtime, but not as much, and so my schedule is still all screwy. But I'm going to work on it this weekend. Fingers crossed.

Oh, Deer!

I don't know what my fascination with deer is, I really don't. Nevertheless, like birds, I love them. When I first moved in with A.P., I bought the cardboard deer head you see below, mounted it to the wall above our barrel. (Say what?!? It looks cool, and always gets compliments, so meh.)

And now, after reading yet another deer inspired design post on A Cup of Jo, I'm thinking I'm ready to buy the real thing, vintage of course, or a cool resin version.


Plus 10 more deer inspired decor items.

1. Quirky Deer Art

2. Metallic Deer Antler

3. Vintage Miniature Brass Deer Rocking Horse

4. Cute Deer Print for Baby's Room

5. Sophisticated Deer Print for Living Room

6. Adorable Deer Pony Tail Holders

7. Fawn Onesie

8. Two-headed Deer Necklace

9. Vintage Brass Deer Hook

10. Cardboard Deer Head

(Deer Bathroom Photo via A Cup of Jo; 1. Quirky Deer Art Photo via BeatUpCreations on etsy 2. Metallic Deer Antler via AustinModern on etsy 3. Vintage Miniature Brass Deer Rocking Horse Photo via filedaway on etsy 4. Cute Deer Print Photo for Baby's Room via leearthaus on etsy 5. Sophisticated Deer Print for Living Room Photo via RococcoCo on etsy 6. Adorable Deer Pony Tail Holders Photo via okeykaraoke on etsy 7. Fawn Onesie Photo via Msg1983 on etsy 8. Two-headed Deer Necklace Photo via Fable and Fury on etsy 9. Vintage Brass Deer Hook Photo via Portuguese Vintage on etsy 10. Cardboard Deer Head Photo via ModCloth)

Plus-Sized and Pregnant

First off...Not me, don't worry.

Second off...I guess I do count as plus-sized, even though I freaking hate that terminology, and most people would rather smack me than count me as "plus-sized" when I'm at my thinnest, even though I'm still technically "plus-sized." I have never been a thin person, but I have been a slimmer person, and there was a time when I wasn't this big. I was, in fact, a size to two sizes smaller. I'm 5'10, so gaining weight isn't the huge nightmare for me that it is for some people; ten pounds does not a whole other dress size make when you are 5'10. Still though, since I met A.P., I have struggled harder with my weight than I have my whole life. Blame it on never feeling 100% comfortable with other men to eat whatever the hell I wanted until I met A.P. Blame it on the less active lifestyle I lead now (A.P. is one of the most inactive people I know...he is allergic to exercise). Heck, blame it on the fact that I just got busier.

I gained a ton of weight. A TON. Like 40 lousy pounds. For me, that was a ton. I have NEVER been this heavy in my life. Prior to the wedding, I was able to lose about 25 of those 40, but my goal has been to lose the rest. And I have a secret I'm only going to share with you guys...I want to do it before we have kids. I know that sounds weird, but anyone who has struggled with their weight will get it. I want to be at my normal weight before I gain weight, because I can't bear the thought of losing weight on top of weight. Because I fear then I'll never lose it. But also, I can't imagine finding clothes that will fit me. After all, I'm not huge, but I do have some huge parts, including but not limited to feet, boobs, and shoulders. That means shopping for pretty much anything sucks all around. And I loooooove clothes and fashion. It's already depressing, so what will happen when I gain more weight?

That's why I found this article I randomly found on Big Fat Deal so interesting. I've already thought about all the ways being pregnant might be both interesting, but also sucky for me personally (e.g. the fact that I absolutely HATE to throw up, the fact that I am very pain sensitive, but also am scared sh*tless of needles, etc.), but I never imagined finding maternity wear would be so miserable. I wish the girl who wrote that post had included some sizes for reference. Like what is "plus-sized"? Is it size 14? Or is she having trouble finding a size 20? I don't really care either way, I'm just curious as to what's hard to find out there.

I know I probably come off as shallow, but when you have a problem you struggle with all your life, the miracle of birth doesn't cloud that. It's pretty much like an addiction that you have to consider in all aspects of life. I was also really happy when I got to the end of the article and saw that the author, too, had had the same feelings.

For those of you who had/have/are having babies, or those of you who some day hope to have babies, do you/did you think about this? Or have I really lost it (my mind...not the weight)?

Another Montreal Wedding and the Baby Brigade

Hello readers...I know you're out there, even if there are only a handful of you...leave me a comment (or two)...I'm lonely. No, really, though, I'm feeling the pressure to rebuild my readership. It's tough. I don't know how I did it before.

Anywho...we are back from Montreal. I loved it. I loved it so much I want to live there, but alas, I think that will sadly never happen. Oh well! We'll just have to take more trips there, I suppose. We got back early Monday and I've been going, going ever since. I started a life drawing class I'm taking, which goes all night every Wednesday. So needless to say my eye has been twitching from fatigue all week. I do have today off, though (summer hours, baby!), and I plan on relaxing, and doing more redecorating. I'm also in the middle of creating a new blog for our friends and family that posts pictures of, you know, our life and stuff, as well as posting the candids from our wedding on Picasa for our family. Oi! It's too much! Plus, believe it or not, we still have thank you cards to do! It just seems like every weekend we have nothing planned, and then two days before the weekend, the whole damn thing books up! So insane.

Anyway, would you believe that on our last day in Montreal, we saw another wedding?

Another wedding in Montreal...the bride was making weird poses in the middle of the street

The bride consults with her photographers post-middle of the street shot

So insane...that makes three total!


Besides the wedding though, I've been feeling a bit of post-wedding ennui lately. I'm also a bit depressed. The ennui-pression (that's my combo word for a bored depression) seems to be the result of two major things:

1. The fact that all these bloggers I read before the wedding all have babies now.
2. The loss of my job.

The loss of my job has hit me especially hard because I've come to the realization that I've been busting my ass for ten years and it never seems to work out. A.P. and I were lying in bed last night, and all of a sudden I broke down crying. Not because I am sad about being jobless, though that is part of it. But moreso because I am tired. I'm tired of working so hard and never getting a break. And I'm tired of being broke. I thought I was finally going to be stable and it turns out, not so much. I don't know if anyone can really understand this, but it's how I feel. And it makes my desire to look for another job and have to go through all of that business all over again nil.

The other thing that has me feeling strange these days is the sense that everyone is having babies. And even though I said up there that it was partially due to fact that all these bloggers seem to have babies so soon after getting married (e.g. A Cup of Jo's Joanna Goddard, A Lovely Morning's Kristina), I also have friends who are having babies, and other friends who are so much more certain that's what they want. I'm not. Even a little. I know I would love a child if I had one and that I would be a good mother, and that A.P. would be a good father. No one has any doubts about any of that. I just don't know if I want to be pregnant, if I want to have children crying, if I want my life permanently altered by the inclusion of children. There is so much I want to do before I have kids: be more successful in my career, pursue my talents, travel, own a home, hell I'd like to own a freaking car. Children seemed closer when I had permanent employment, but now, they seem so far away. As does permanent housing, permanent transportation, fleeting travel, and all the rest of it.

I don't know, maybe my ennui-pression is all a result of my deep-seated disappointment that nothing in my life has really changed. And I know some of you might think, "But you're married! You got married!" But all that really does for me is remind me that I blew a bunch of cash on a wedding, and that I now occasionally get weird mail addressed to a person I'm not (I kept my name...and I googled the alternative, and that girl is a crazy party girl who is friends with Miley Cyrus...seriously not me). Don't get me wrong, I don't regret getting married at all, but I just can't help but think I probably could have waited another year or two...money-wise.

A little Montreal French/English Humor

Ugh...any advice for how to get out of this funk??